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Message board > General Discussion > Graham and Simon's Joke Fest 
  

Graham and Simon's Joke Fest by Simon - Thu 20th Dec 2001, 3:21pm
Have just opened a load of Christmas crackers.

Graham: Your starter for ten... (and remember, I must have the answer on my card):

"What did the cavemen say when they saw their first flying reptile?"
by Bustard tart - Thu 20th Dec 2001, 3:53pm
"What did the cavemen say when they saw their first flying reptile?"
"Wow - our time machine works!"
???
by Simon - Thu 20th Dec 2001, 4:03pm
Bustard tart said: "Wow - our time machine works!"
Sorry, correct answer is:
"Watch that dino soar."

Next:
Which moves faster, heat or cold?
by Jellycopter - Thu 20th Dec 2001, 4:31pm
Which moves faster, heat or cold?
I'd surmise heat, as anyone can catch a cold.
by Simon - Thu 20th Dec 2001, 4:33pm
Jellycopter said: I'd surmise heat, as anyone can catch a cold.
Is the right answer.

"What room can you never enter?"
by Pie-lot - Thu 20th Dec 2001, 4:38pm
"What room can you never enter?"
Most mushrooms would prove tricky to find an entrance to.
by Simon - Thu 20th Dec 2001, 4:42pm
Pie-lot said: Most mushrooms would prove tricky to find an entrance to.
Correct.

What do you call a disastrous cat?
by Pie in the sky - Thu 20th Dec 2001, 4:48pm
What do you call a disastrous cat?
A cat-astrophe? A cat-aclysm?
by Simon - Thu 20th Dec 2001, 4:57pm
Pie in the sky said: A cat-astrophe? A cat-aclysm?
Catastrophe is the right answer.

Last one, thank goodness, and it's a trick question:
How many sides does a square box have?
by Rich gets in there first - Thu 20th Dec 2001, 4:59pm
Simon said: Catastrophe is the right answer.

Last one, thank goodness, and it's a trick question:
How many sides does a square box have?
6
by Simon - Thu 20th Dec 2001, 5:00pm
Rich gets in there first said: 6
Wrong. Trick question, remember.
by NEW!!! Lemon boomerang pie - Thu 20th Dec 2001, 5:11pm
Simon said: Wrong. Trick question, remember.
There's no such thing as a square box, as a sqaure is 2D and a box is 3D (or more).

I suppose though that a sqaure-ish box might be required in Lego cricket.
by Simon - Thu 20th Dec 2001, 5:22pm
NEW!!! Lemon boomerang pie said: There's no such thing as a square box
The answer is two: the inside and the outside.
Told you it was a trick.

Did you hear about the short fortune teller who escaped prison?
by Vertical takeaway and landing - Thu 20th Dec 2001, 6:02pm
Did you hear about the short fortune teller who escaped prison?
I did hear something about there being a short medium at large.
by your resident mathmo - Fri 21st Dec 2001, 12:32pm
None - you can't have a square box, on dimensional grounds.
by Simon - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 2:49pm
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart...
by gf - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 4:12pm
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart...
Which famous golfer drinks a lot of wine? Litre Vino.
by gf - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 4:27pm
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
by Sick minded individual - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 4:32pm
gf said: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
Because it was a paedo-fowl?
by Simon - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 4:35pm
gf said: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
Don't Know. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
by gf - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 4:41pm
Simon said: Don't Know. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Have you heard about the Miss Muffet diet?
by Can't think of sick alternative - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 4:53pm
gf said: To get to the other slide.

Have you heard about the Miss Muffet diet?
You just eat curds and weigh?
by gf - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 4:57pm
You just eat curds and weigh?
Correct. Like any diet, it's a case of mind over platter.

Just remember, puns may be merely some antics, but a good pun is its own reword.

If you don't pay an exorcist, do you get repossessed?

Anyway, have you heard about the cowardly dragon who didn't observe the sabbath?
by Getting feebler... - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 4:57pm
gf said: To get to the other slide.

Have you heard about the Miss Muffet diet?
You don't eat anything, you just tuffet out?
by Feebler still - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 5:00pm
Getting feebler... said: You don't eat anything, you just tuffet out?
You can't have any "A" grade drinks, but you can down "B" cider .
by Can I have marks for trying? - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 5:06pm
Getting feebler... said: You don't eat anything, you just tuffet out?
Poof the tragic Dragon,
Lived on a a bay,
And frolicked in the autumn mist,
Even on Sunday.

by gf - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 5:08pm
Why does a Frenchman never have two eggs for breakfast?

Because one egg is an oeuf.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his arse.
by gf - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 5:09pm
Can I have marks for trying? said: Poof the tragic Dragon,
Lived on a a bay,
And frolicked in the autumn mist,
Even on Sunday.

Not bad. Back to the original dragon:

He only preyed on weak knights.
by Simon - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 5:11pm
What do you get when you cross a dog with a chicken?
by Lacking any inspiration (asthma, you understand...) - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 5:38pm
Simon said: What do you get when you cross a dog with a chicken?
R-eggs?
A Howling Fowl?
A wolf-hen-d?
Mutt-hen?
by Simon - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 5:44pm
A hen that lays pooched eggs.

Where do astronauts leave their cars?
by Finally got one - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 5:50pm
Simon said: A hen that lays pooched eggs.

Where do astronauts leave their cars?
Grrr. That's eggs-troadinarily bad.

A spaceman.
by Simon - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 5:52pm
Finally got one said: A spaceman.
Sorry - It's at a parking meteor.
But while we're talking about them - when do astronauts eat?
by mcp - Wed 2nd Jan 2002, 6:45pm
at launch time.
by Simon - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 7:40am
mcp said: at launch time.
Is the correct answer!
Easy one now: how do you make a Swiss roll?
by Old joke reinvented - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 9:18am
Simon said: Is the correct answer!
Easy one now: how do you make a Swiss roll?
Take away his ready made cigarettes
by Simon - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 9:31am
Old joke reinvented said: Take away his ready made cigarettes
I'm sorry, I have to accept the answer on the card, which was of course "Push him down a hill."

What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 9:43am
What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One means "against the law", the other is a sick bird.

Why do gypsies walk strangely?
by Simon - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 10:12am
Why do gypsies walk strangely?
Because they have crystal balls.

What has six legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 11:07am
Simon said: Because they have crystal balls.

What has six legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A snooker table.

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
by Simon - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 11:22am
What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
Two possible answers here:
Wet; or
About half-way.

What do you get when you lean a corpse up against a doorbell?
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 11:29am
Simon said: Two possible answers here:
Wet; or
About half-way.

What do you get when you lean a corpse up against a doorbell?
A dead ringer.

What's the difference between a fat person and a virgin?
by Simon - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 11:45am
What's the difference between a fat person and a virgin?
Is one trying to diet while the other's dying to try it...

What's a frog's favourite drink?
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 11:48am
What's a frog's favourite drink?
Croaka cola.

Why are robots never afraid?
by Simon - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:04pm
Why are robots never afraid?
Because they have nerves of steel.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:06pm
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
by Simon - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:13pm
What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.

A man walked into a bar...
by newcomer - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:14pm
A man walked into a bar...
Ouch. It was an iron bar.

A man walks into a bar with a copy of War and Peace on his head...
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:15pm
A man walked into a bar...
Ouch!

A termite walked into a bar...
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:17pm
A termite walked into a bar...
...and says 'is the bar tender here?'

A horse walks into a bar...
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:22pm
A horse walks into a bar...
The barman asks "why the long face?"

A white horse walks into a bar...
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:24pm
A white horse walks into a bar...
...the bartender says 'We have a whisky named after you' and the horse replies 'What, Dobbin?'

A man walks into a bar with a tiny amphibian on his shoulder...
by Simon - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:29pm
A baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The seal says:
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:30pm
A baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The seal says:
"Anything but a Canadian Club"
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:30pm
A man walks into a bar with a tiny amphibian on his shoulder...
The barman asks what the amphibian is called, the customer replies "Tiny". The barman asks why and the customer says "Because he's my newt".

Hmm - sure that can be done more concisely.

Descartes walks into a bar. The barman asks him if he'd like a beer...

by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:31pm
Descartes walks into a bar. The barman asks him if he'd like a beer...

Descartes says "Yes, I drink therefore I am"
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:34pm
A man walks into a bar with a cat and an ostrich.

Hmm. On second thoughts, this is a family discussion board...
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:35pm
Mike said: Descartes says "Yes, I drink therefore I am"
I was expecting:

Descartes says "I think not" and immediately disappears.

A man walks into a bar and while he's ordering his pint, notices Vincent Van Gogh next to him...
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:38pm
A man walks into a bar and while he's ordering his pint, notices Vincent Van Gogh next to him...
The man asks Vince if he'd like a drink, and gets the reply "No thanks, I've got one 'ere"

Times New Roman walks into a bar...
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:40pm
Hmm. On second thoughts, this is a family discussion board...
Really? What's so offensive about a bird with long legs and a tight pussy? (I believe in the full version of the joke, the cat refuses to buy a round)
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:44pm
Times New Roman walks into a bar...
The barman says "We don't serve your type in here".

A man walks into the King's Arms and asks for a pint of lager...
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:49pm
A man walks into the King's Arms and asks for a pint of lager...
"You want to try a pub" replies the King

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar...
by Stands alone - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:50pm
A dyslexic walks into a bra
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:52pm
What do you call a woman with one leg?
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:53pm
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar...
The barman asks "is this some kind of joke?".

A grizzly bear walks into a bar, waits five minutes then orders a beer...
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:53pm
What's red and white on the outside, but grey and lumpy on the inside?
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:55pm
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:57pm
A grizzly bear walks into a bar, waits five minutes then orders a beer...
...the barman asks "ok, but why the big pause?"
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:59pm
What's red and white on the outside, but grey and lumpy on the inside?
An inside out elephant.

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 12:59pm
"ok, but why the big pause?"
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini...
by Returning to a previous one... - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:00pm
A man walks into a bar with a copy of War and Peace on his head...
...the bartender asks "What's with the copy of War and Peace on your head?"...
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:01pm
Mike said: An inside out elephant.

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
I was expecting "Campbell's cream of elephant soup".

With a blue elephant gun, of course. But how do you shoot a pink elephant?
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:01pm
the bartender asks "What's with the copy of War and Peace on your head?"...
It's a long story.
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:02pm
gf said: Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini...
Olive or twist?
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:02pm
How do you make an elephant float?
by Simon, back from lunch - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:03pm
Returning to a previous one... said: ...the bartender asks "What's with the copy of War and Peace on your head?"...
"Well," says the man, "it's a long story."
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:04pm
With a blue elephant gun, of course. But how do you shoot a pink elephant?
Strangle it until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
But how do you shoot a white elephant?
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:05pm
How do you make an elephant float?
two scoops of ice-cream, a bottle of cream soda, and an elephant...
by Simon - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:05pm
Two elephants fall off a cliff...
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:06pm
Two elephants fall off a cliff...
Boom Boom!
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:07pm
But how do you shoot a white elephant?
Pinch his trunk till he turns pink etc etc
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:08pm
gf said: Pinch his trunk till he turns pink etc etc
ok, you're bored of that one.

What's pink and hangs out your pants?
by Simon - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:08pm
How do you stop a skunk smelling?
by gf, going to lunch - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:09pm
What's pink and hangs out your pants?
Your mum.
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:10pm
Simon said: How do you stop a skunk smelling?
Hold its nose.

What's green and eats nuts?
by Simon - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:15pm
What's green and eats nuts?
Herpes.
That one was a bit below the belt Mike.

How do you spell "Hungry Horse" in 4 letters?
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:18pm
Simon said: Herpes.
That one was a bit below the belt Mike.

How do you spell "Hungry Horse" in 4 letters?
MTGG

How do you scare a burglar with three letters?
by gf, back from lunch - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:40pm
How do you scare a burglar with three letters?
ICU
by Simon - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 1:53pm
Why is Europe like a frying pan?
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 2:14pm
Why is Europe like a frying pan?
Because it has Greece at the bottom.
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 2:16pm
Why do budgies always succeed?
by Mike - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 3:12pm
gf said: Why do budgies always succeed?
Because they don't have any teeth?
by ccsi - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 4:05pm
gf, back from lunch said: ICU
BOO ! is surely much scarier
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 4:17pm
BOO ! is surely much scarier
"UPT" might confuse them and, if you said it with enough conviction to persuade them it would come true, would be an uncomfortable prospect.

"IBM" might persuade them you are head of the cool bit of the intelligence service and hence not to be messed with.

"ICZ" would be a threat to get them in a headlock.
by ccsi - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 4:22pm
gf said: "UPT" might confuse them and, if you said it with enough conviction to persuade them it would come true, would be an uncomfortable prospect.

"IBM" might persuade them you are head of the cool bit of the intelligence service and hence not to be messed with.

"ICZ" would be a threat to get them in a headlock.
"FRQ" might persuade them that you were an italian mafia person and hence worth being scared of.

Alternatively, being confronted by a bloke shouting "SNM" might also be quite frightening (unless it was a very twisted burglar)
by gf - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 4:28pm
Alternatively, being confronted by a bloke shouting "SNM" might also be quite frightening (unless it was a very twisted burglar)
I am sure, Chris, that you could frighten them off by sidling up and whispering "UNI?"...

;-)
by ccsi - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 4:35pm
gf said: I am sure, Chris, that you could frighten them off by sidling up and whispering "UNI?"...
Oi, isn't this supposed to be a jokes forum?

Let's re-kick off with:

A jump-lead walks into a bar...
by RTT - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 4:36pm
gf said: I am sure, Chris, that you could frighten them off by sidling up and whispering "UNI?"...
If the assailant is a rower, it is fairly simple to frighten them with just two letters: 2k, 5k and FD spring to mind.
by ccsi - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 4:40pm
RTT said: If the assailant is a rower, it is fairly simple to frighten them with just two letters: 2k, 5k and FD spring to mind.
Or you could get him down to the boathouse with just one letter if you use the Greek letter 'Ro'
by Hurrah - 100 pointless messages - Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 4:41pm
the Greek letter 'Ro'
Does anyone techie know how to get a Greek letter to display in this?
by Jokes aren't pointless - Fri 4th Jan 2002, 7:46am
Hurrah - 100 pointless messages said: Does anyone techie know how to get a Greek letter to display in this?
Greek letters? Have you tried the post office?
Anyway, let's kick off today with:
Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip to outer space?
by Blue-Footed Booby - Fri 4th Jan 2002, 9:05am
How about shifting the format here to make it rather more interesting?

How about posting the punchlines and making us guess the joke...?
by Simon - Fri 4th Jan 2002, 9:20am
Blue-Footed Booby said: How about posting the punchlines and making us guess the joke...?
OK then... When I was at school, we all used to sit and watch (and generally mock) Neighbours. In one memorable scene, we cut to the coffee shop to find a group of extras talking: one is coming to the end of a joke, for the only dialogue we hear before everyone starts laughing (at which moment the camera pans away to something more interesting) is the line:
"But you'll never guess what! He came back again."

So a Bank of England related prize to the person who can contribute in the next week the best joke with the punchline:
"But you'll never guess what! He came back again."
by Not quite there yet, methinks - Fri 4th Jan 2002, 11:00am
So a Bank of England related prize to the person who can contribute in the next week the best joke with the punchline:
"But you'll never guess what! He came back again."
Hmm. Still nothing better than:

"I was really annoyed with a persistent hypochondriac patient of mine, so I gave him some boomerang-shaped placebos and threw him out of my surgery..."
by gf - Fri 4th Jan 2002, 12:34pm
How about posting the punchlines and making us guess the joke...?
Et tantis pretiis constitutis, plures macropodidas in hac caupona minime videbis.
by Cristoforus - Fri 4th Jan 2002, 5:45pm
gf said: Et tantis pretiis constitutis, plures macropodidas in hac caupona minime videbis.
The grammar will be appalling but here goes:

Macropodida caupona intrat et fermentum rogat. Caupo pecuniam velociter facere quit cogitat et macropodidam quinquagintis libris rogat.
Tamen adventor homo non esse inusitatus est, itaque curiositas cauponis accresco et "Multas macropodidas in hac caupona non videmus" dit.

Who does classics in the club?
by RTT - Mon 7th Jan 2002, 12:20pm
Simon said: joke with the punchline:
"But you'll never guess what! He came back again."
Two soldiers and their captain were doing some training with their heavy artillery, firing paintballs at another similar group. One soldier was called Private Buttule, the other Private Heek. Heek was at the elevation and direction controls, Buttule loading the gunpowder. Their previous shot had gone slightly wide, but worse than that had only gone half the distance to the target. Suddenly they were almost hit by a large paintball. The captain screamed at Buttule "What do you think that dial reads - Watt or ft lb ?". The confused Buttule didn't know, and hazarded "Watt?". And the annoyed captain replied:

"Buttule, never guess Watt. Heek, aim back again".
by Dartford Warbler - Mon 7th Jan 2002, 3:39pm

Inspired, sir. That'll take some beating.
by gf - Tue 8th Jan 2002, 9:35am
There are many magazines available to aid the consumer in his or her purchasing decisions.

If asked to name which of these has the highest circulation, you might think of the popular automobile title What Car?, you might even consider the well-known audio equipment publication What Hi-Fi?, but magazines which rate and review reincarnation stories don't really have mass-market appeal, so...

You'll never guess What "He Came Back Again..."?
by Simon - Wed 23rd Jan 2002, 2:52pm
Dartford Warbler said:
Inspired, sir. That'll take some beating.
Very much so. Tom wins the mystery prize from the bank of England museum - I'll try to remember to bring it up later in the term.

Warming to the theme now, there's a Corolla advert with a similar situation - a couple are out on a date, and he's trying to impress her with his wit. But all we hear is the end of the story... so we need to know - for another mystery star prize - which humorous tale would end:

"But he said he couldn't make it till Wednesday."
by let's start as contrived as we will inevitably end up - Wed 23rd Jan 2002, 3:26pm
"But he said he couldn't make it till Wednesday."
As a piece of performance art, a friend of mine has been using some agricultural equipment to deface huge pictures of the Addams Family...
by Almost believable - Wed 23rd Jan 2002, 5:11pm
"But he said he couldn't make it till Wednesday."
When one has rowed for certain boats in the club, one can wear certain pieces of kit. And maybe wearing one's special kit could be referred to as "kitting". And maybe once upon a time, a proud father asked his son to model his new zephyr on the day before the May Bumps started. The son was tempted...

But he said he couldn't May Kit till Wednesday.
by or could he??? - Wed 23rd Jan 2002, 5:32pm
The manager had been foolhardy enough to have some pretty bizarre theme days, and was keen to do more (despite the drop in productivity on Turn Up Pissed Thursday and the spate of accidents on Run Around Without Due Care And Attention Monday). In his rather warped way, he wanted to arrange something even more peculiar next time around, but he couldn't make it "Ill Wednesday"...
by Nicked from Metro this morning but no one in Cambridge gets Metro so it'll be new to them - Mon 28th Jan 2002, 8:39am
Unrelated joke:
In my youth I was a psychoanalyst. Well, I was Jung, I needed the money!
by Simon - Tue 12th Feb 2002, 12:08pm
Rich wins this prize for the May Kit joke.

Another punchline coming soon, but for now, just remember:
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean a mother.
by united haha - Tue 12th Feb 2002, 2:35pm
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean a mother.
I thought it was your mother's underwear?
by barbara wintergreen - Thu 14th Feb 2002, 6:12pm
Which king had the most children?
by Pedant - Fri 15th Feb 2002, 11:30am
barbara wintergreen said: Which king had the most children?
Rameses II - he had nearly 200.
by austen tassletine - Fri 15th Feb 2002, 11:40am
Pedant said: Rameses II - he had nearly 200.
Nice one, pedant, but the (Trinity-themed) answer I was looking for was of course...

Jonathan.
by eavesdropper - Sun 17th Feb 2002, 3:18pm
The punchline to an amusing story as overheard during a pub lunch: "Then she could wear the Churchill costume and no one would know!"

Judging by the reaction, a hilarious story, but what the **** could it have been...??!!
by Simon - Tue 26th Feb 2002, 11:57am
austen tassletine said: Nice one, pedant, but the (Trinity-themed) answer I was looking for was of course...

Jonathan.
Good to hear that Jonathan King is nearly over his addiction to boy scouts.
He's down to two packs a day.
by Peter O'Hanraha-Hanrahan - Tue 26th Feb 2002, 12:12pm
What's red and white and sits in a tree?
by Mike - Tue 26th Feb 2002, 12:41pm
Peter O'Hanraha-Hanrahan said: What's red and white and sits in a tree?
A sanitary owl..?
by Eugene Fraxby - Tue 26th Feb 2002, 12:46pm
Mike said: A sanitary owl..?
Correct, but how does one circumcise a whale?
by RTT - Tue 26th Feb 2002, 12:49pm
Eugene Fraxby said: Correct, but how does one circumcise a whale?
You don't, you just put its girlfriend on the krill?

Oh hang on, circumcise, not castrate.
by Mike - Tue 26th Feb 2002, 1:07pm
Eugene Fraxby said: Correct, but how does one circumcise a whale?
Send four skin divers down of course
by Valerie Sinatra - Tue 26th Feb 2002, 2:24pm
So what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
by Trust me I'm a stomach - Tue 26th Feb 2002, 2:30pm
Valerie Sinatra said: So what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef!
by Simon - Tue 26th Feb 2002, 2:42pm
The coastguard are reporting that a tanker carrying aromatherapy oils has run aground off Dover. They say that a sense of calm and well-being is spreading along the Kent coast...
by Simon - Wed 27th Feb 2002, 8:40am
Being an accountant at WH Smith must be dull.
Some years profits go up. Some years profits go down.
But most years, they just keep stationary
by Fur Q - Wed 27th Feb 2002, 6:34pm
Simon said: Being an accountant at WH Smith must be dull.
I can tell you from experience that the words "at WH Smith" are entirely redundant.
by minus 10,000 workers - Wed 24th Apr 2002, 3:28pm
Why did Prince Charles refuse to pay for his curry?
by the back of Owen's Volvo - Fri 26th Apr 2002, 9:03am
minus 10,000 workers said: Why did Prince Charles refuse to pay for his curry?
I give up. I'm desperately trying to make some pun out of Korma-la Parker Bowles, but it just isn't happening...
by Herman the Tosser - Fri 26th Apr 2002, 10:17am
the back of Owen's Volvo said: I give up. I'm desperately trying to make some pun out of Korma-la Parker Bowles, but it just isn't happening...
Because his Nan [sic] was cold.
by Paul Boateng - Fri 26th Apr 2002, 11:12am
Herman the Tosser said: Because his Nan [sic] was cold.
All in the best possible taste...
What is Princess Margaret getting for Christmas?
by John Fashanu - Fri 26th Apr 2002, 11:55am
Paul Boateng said: All in the best possible taste...
What is Princess Margaret getting for Christmas?
A visit from her Mum?
by RTT - Fri 26th Apr 2002, 12:28pm
Paul Boateng said:
What is Princess Margaret getting for Christmas?
Ask Darth Vadar; he's felt her presents.
by Colin Akavito - Fri 26th Apr 2002, 1:17pm
John Fashanu is right - the answer is "the Queen Mother"
RTT gets bonus points for trying to mix punchlines though...
by Jennifer Gompertz - Fri 26th Apr 2002, 1:50pm
So Saint Peter is standing at the gates of Heaven, when who should turn up but Dolly Parton and the Queen Mother...
by Rory O'Connor - Fri 26th Apr 2002, 1:56pm
Jennifer Gompertz said: So Saint Peter is standing at the gates of Heaven, when who should turn up but Dolly Parton and the Queen Mother...
A royal flush beats a pair.
by Alvin Hollier - Mon 29th Apr 2002, 12:12pm
Rory O'Connor said: A royal flush beats a pair.
It certainly does.

The Queen Mother goes to Heaven and meets Princess Diana. She asks Diana "How did you get that lovely halo?"
by Conor Hammil - Mon 29th Apr 2002, 1:32pm
Alvin Hollier said: It certainly does.

The Queen Mother goes to Heaven and meets Princess Diana. She asks Diana "How did you get that lovely halo?"
Is this going to be a reference to a steering wheel?
by Brandt - Mon 29th Apr 2002, 3:20pm
Conor Hammil said: Is this going to be a reference to a steering wheel?
Might be...
by Simon - Mon 5th Aug 2002, 4:19pm
How do you titillate an ocelot?
by Mr Spoon - Mon 5th Aug 2002, 7:33pm
Simon said: How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its tit a lot?
by Simon - Tue 6th Aug 2002, 9:13am
Mr Spoon said: Oscillate its tit a lot?
... is the right answer!!!
by Is it mono or multi-feed? - Tue 6th Aug 2002, 9:22am
(Shamelessly nicked from a newspaper review of an act at the Edinburgh Fringe...)

Why should you never stand behind the Devil in a Post Office queue?
by Found it at last - Fri 9th Aug 2002, 7:43am
Is it mono or multi-feed? said: Why should you never stand behind the Devil in a Post Office queue?
(After days looking through newspapers)
... because the Devil can take many forms.

A friend of mine's just bought a lighthouse; so I told him...
by stumped (off a wide?) - Fri 16th Aug 2002, 11:35am
A friend of mine's just bought a lighthouse; so I told him...
Hmm. Still struggling to concoct a decent ending for this one. Most attempts are along the lines of...

"The property market's very volatile, so it's good to keep a lookout"

...or...

"Remember not to turn the light out when you go to bed"
by Simon - Fri 16th Aug 2002, 12:41pm
stumped (off a wide?) said: "The property market's very volatile, so it's good to keep a lookout"
That's close enough.
The "official" answer is
"...so I told him, "Well, that's your lookout mate.'"
by Simon - Fri 16th Aug 2002, 12:42pm
What goes "Ooooooooooooooooooooo"?
by RTT - Fri 16th Aug 2002, 2:20pm
Simon said: What goes "Ooooooooooooooooooooo"?
Microsoft Word after I've fallen asleep on my keyboard.
by Spartacus Mills - Fri 16th Aug 2002, 2:34pm
Simon said: What goes "Ooooooooooooooooooooo"?
A cow with no lips.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
by Simon - Fri 16th Aug 2002, 2:58pm
Because they have big fingers.

Why do cows wear bells?
by RTT - Fri 16th Aug 2002, 3:12pm
Simon said:
Why do cows wear bells?
In case they need a disguise in a bicycle shop?
by Jonathan Sizz - Sat 17th Aug 2002, 8:59am
Simon said: Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

I got fired from the orange juice factory...
by I used to work as a postman... - Sun 18th Aug 2002, 7:07pm
I got fired from the orange juice factory...
...for not concentrating properly?
by I wanted to be a doctor... - Mon 19th Aug 2002, 4:00pm
I used to work as a postman...
...but I turned up for my first day at work and they gave me the sack.
by I've worked for years at the velcro factory... - Mon 19th Aug 2002, 7:41pm
I wanted to be a doctor...
...but I kept losing patience.
by I was training to be a rifleman, but I got fired... - Tue 20th Aug 2002, 9:30am
I've worked for years at the velcro factory...
...but I can't stick it any more.
by I had a nasty accident whilst working at an upholstery plant... - Tue 20th Aug 2002, 9:50am
...but I can't stick it any more.
...or indeed "...I just can't tear myself away"
by I used to have a girlfriend with a wooden leg... - Tue 20th Aug 2002, 11:29am
I had a nasty accident whilst working at an upholstery plant...
Fortunately, I'm now fully recovered.
by I nearly had a psychic girlfriend once... - Tue 20th Aug 2002, 2:24pm
I used to have a girlfriend with a wooden leg...
...until she broke it off.
by I went to a seafood disco last week... - Tue 20th Aug 2002, 2:31pm
I nearly had a psychic girlfriend once...
...but she left before she met me.
by I only lasted one day in the regimental drill squadron before... - Tue 20th Aug 2002, 3:53pm
I went to a seafood disco last week...
...but all I pulled was a mussel.
by I used to work for an origami company... - Tue 20th Aug 2002, 4:27pm
I only lasted one day in the regimental drill squadron before...
...being given my marching orders.
by I applied to be a lumberjack... - Tue 20th Aug 2002, 4:51pm
I used to work for an origami company...
...but then it folded.
by I tried working as a tailor... - Tue 20th Aug 2002, 8:10pm
I applied to be a lumberjack...
...but they told me I couldn't hack it.
by I started an airline... - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 8:05am
I tried working as a tailor...
...but it didn't suit me.
by I worked as a scaffolder for a while... - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 8:49am
I started an airline...
...but it never really got off the ground.
by So I tried being a crane operator... - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 9:10am
I worked as a scaffolder for a while...
...but my colleagues couldn't put up with me.
by Then I got a job at a suitcase factory... - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 9:17am
So I tried being a crane operator...
...but they told me to sling my hook.
by I set up a company that made blenders... - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 9:24am
Then I got a job at a suitcase factory...
...but I packed it in.
by I got a job as a restaurant critic... - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 9:43am
I set up a company that made blenders...
...but it went into liquidation.
by I got a job putting waves into women's hair... - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 9:53am
I got a job as a restaurant critic...
...but it wasn't to my taste.
by I was employed as a tarot reader... - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 10:36am
I got a job putting waves into women's hair...
...but it wasn't permanent.
by RTT - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 10:40am
I got a job putting waves into women's hair...
What about "but it wasn't my style"?
by I used to make calendars for a living... - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 11:13am
I was employed as a tarot reader...
...but I was just waiting to see what turned up.
by I thought my prosepcts as a ski jumper were good... - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 2:28pm
I used to make calendars for a living...
...but the company's days were numbered.
by I once ran a firm of secretaries... - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 2:31pm
I thought my prosepcts as a ski jumper were good...
...until I came down to earth.
by I joined a company that make sculptures of fruit... - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 2:36pm
I thought my prosepcts as a ski jumper were good...
...but then things just went downhill.
by I thought I had great prospects in the photographic industry... - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 2:39pm
I once ran a firm of secretaries...
...but they weren't my type.
by 2 peices of black tarmac were sitting in a pub when a peice of red tarmac walked in... - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 4:33pm
I joined a company that make sculptures of fruit...
but things soon turned rotten?
by I tried my hand at painting... - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 4:39pm
I thought I had great prospects in the photographic industry...
...but things just didn't click for me.
by woman-basher - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 4:43pm
2 peices of black tarmac were sitting in a pub when a peice of red tarmac walked in... said: but things soon turned rotten?
a) this answer doesn't make sense
b) this joke fails to adhere to the established pattern
c) 'piece' is spelt incorrectly not once but twice.

You have selected... Law
May I suggest... shopping and Neighbours?
by Surely the fruit joke would have benefited from a punchline revolving around a bunch of some kind (good / bad / whatever)? - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 5:18pm
2 peices of black tarmac were sitting in a pub when a peice of red tarmac walked in...
..."Keep an eye on him", said the first piece of black tarmac to his mate - "He's a cycle path".
by I struck upon the great idea of hanging my wet laundry from the crow's nest of a tea clipper... - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 5:21pm
I tried my hand at painting...
...but found it totally unpalatable.
by and the answers on the cards were - Wed 21st Aug 2002, 10:48pm
I was training to be a rifleman, but I got fired..
...they told me I wasn't of the right calibre.

I was employed as a tarot reader...
...until they gave me my cards.

I once ran a firm of secretaries...
...but they were put into administration.

I tried my hand at painting...
...but it didn't come easelly (tell you what, though, Brian, 'unpalatable' is definitely better, coming in there at the second post - full credit and a lollipop to GF, to be fair)
by further answers on the cards - Thu 22nd Aug 2002, 12:35am
I joined a company that make sculptures of fruit...
...everything went pear-shaped.

I thought I had great prospects in the photographic industry...
...but things didn't develop. (although Neil's "...things didn't click for me" deserves an honourable mention at least...)
by I was never happy while working as a dentist... - Thu 22nd Aug 2002, 9:36am
I struck upon the great idea of hanging my wet laundry from the crow's nest of a tea clipper...
...but it just left me high and dry.
by I worked as a jazz guitarist for a while... - Thu 22nd Aug 2002, 9:41am
I was never happy while working as a dentist...
...I was always down in the mouth.
by I used to have a dream of serving pastry products for in-flight meals... - Thu 22nd Aug 2002, 9:49am
I worked as a jazz guitarist for a while...
...it really made me fret. And gave me the blues. It never struck a chord with me. I just wanted to string myself up.
by I often fantasised about building an underground sewage system... - Thu 22nd Aug 2002, 10:42am
I used to have a dream of serving pastry products for in-flight meals...
...but it was just pie in the sky.
by I wanted to climb a mountain that was so high I wouldn't be able to see any more... - Thu 22nd Aug 2002, 10:55am
I often fantasised about building an underground sewage system...
...but it was just a pipe dream.
by I used to take promotional shots of kitchenware - Thu 22nd Aug 2002, 11:06am
I wanted to climb a mountain that was so high I wouldn't be able to see any more...
...but my head was in the clouds.
by I was completely useless as a juggler... - Thu 22nd Aug 2002, 1:34pm
I used to take promotional shots of kitchenware
...but it was just a flash in the pan.
by I used to be a Waning Gibbous... - Fri 23rd Aug 2002, 9:10am
I was completely useless as a juggler...
... it was a complete balls up.
by I used to be a scriptwriter... - Fri 23rd Aug 2002, 9:59am
I used to be a Waning Gibbous...
...until I was told I was a lunatic.
by I got a job making ecclesiastical robes... - Fri 23rd Aug 2002, 10:09am
I used to be a scriptwriter...
...but I didn't want to make a scene.
by I was terrorised by singing Moose in Alaska... - Fri 23rd Aug 2002, 10:16am
I got a job making ecclesiastical robes...
but you were surplice to requirements.
by I was in the middle of writing a novel... - Fri 23rd Aug 2002, 10:33am
I got a job making ecclesiastical robes...
...I wanted to profit from income in vestments. However, I was sacked for uncanonical behaviour.
by I thought my job was secure until I greeted King Midas... - Fri 23rd Aug 2002, 11:07am
I was terrorised by singing Moose in Alaska...
...Elk Aida claimed responsibility for the attacks.
by I used to be a personal trainer... - Fri 23rd Aug 2002, 11:09am
I was in the middle of writing a novel...
...but I completely lost the plot. It's a long story.
by I met a man with three penises... - Fri 23rd Aug 2002, 11:10am
I thought my job was secure until I greeted King Midas...
...when I got a golden handshake.
by I used to act in a sloping theatre... - Fri 23rd Aug 2002, 11:11am
I used to be a Waning Gibbous...
...but it was just a phase I was going through.
by My plan to kill an Essex girl by scuttling her ship didn't work... - Fri 23rd Aug 2002, 11:44am
I used to be a personal trainer...
...but I wasn't fit for the position.
by I used to work in a shoe shop... - Tue 27th Aug 2002, 10:00pm
I used to act in a sloping theatre...
...but I was always being upstaged.
by back online - Sun 1st Sep 2002, 4:47pm
I met a man with three penises...
Was he a greedy bird collector, by any chance? If so, he probably wasn't satisfied with a cockatoo.
by I once worked as a walking advertisement... - Sun 1st Sep 2002, 5:01pm
I used to work in a shoe shop...
...but I got the boot; my sole wasn't in the job.
by Mike - Fri 4th Oct 2002, 9:42am
Not sure if this should be here, or in the links page, but to save effort, here's a Random Bar Joke Generator. And when they say random, they mean random...
by Simon - Fri 4th Oct 2002, 2:52pm
An alsatian went to a telegram office and wrote: "Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof"

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
by Mike - Fri 4th Oct 2002, 3:20pm
Texan: "Where are you from?"

Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"
by Impressionable youth - Fri 4th Oct 2002, 4:25pm
Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
Just as my daddy used to tell me: "Never use a preposition to end a sentence with"
by Mike - Wed 23rd Oct 2002, 8:29pm
Part 1:
So the Zen master goes up to the hot dog stand and the hot dog seller says "What can I get you?"

"Make me one with everything."

Part 2:
So the Zen master pays for his hot dog with a ten pound note. "What about my change?" he says.

"Change comes from within"
by Simon - Wed 18th Dec 2002, 3:09pm
Simon said: Have just opened a load of Christmas crackers.
Almost exactly one year on, I've opened another batch... here we go again:

What room can you never enter?
by A mushroom - Wed 18th Dec 2002, 4:14pm
Simon said: Almost exactly one year on, I've opened another batch... here we go again:

What room can you never enter?
Why did the schoolboy eat a five pound note?
by because it was his lunch money - Thu 19th Dec 2002, 3:38am
A mushroom said: Why did the schoolboy eat a five pound note?
What sits in custard looking cross?
by Simon - Thu 19th Dec 2002, 9:55am
because it was his lunch money said: What sits in custard looking cross?
apple grumble.

Right, all of the following "jokes" I have to offer are from yesterday's crackers. I'm not entirely sure that they are all jokes...

How many years would take (sic) to walk around the world?
by Mike - Sun 22nd Dec 2002, 5:56pm
Simon said: How many years would take (sic) to walk around the world?
No idea on that. Is it a joke or a trivia question?

Anyway, in a similar vein, why do birds fly south for the winter?
by Finish the sentence... - Mon 23rd Dec 2002, 8:13am
Mike said: why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.

The bizarre answer to the "How many years would take to walk around the world?" is "Four".

Customer: "Is this a secondhand store?"
Store owner "Yes."
Customer: "Good. ..."
by Neil - Mon 23rd Dec 2002, 9:34am
Customer: "Is this a secondhand store?"
Store owner "Yes."
Customer: "Good..."
...I'd like a new one for this watch please, the old one has fallen off.

What do you give to a woman who has everything?
by dw229 - Mon 23rd Dec 2002, 1:04pm
Antibiotics.

"Doctor, doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can't get to sleep..."
by It is, just, a "joke" from a cracker. - Mon 23rd Dec 2002, 1:40pm
"Doctor, doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can't get to sleep..."
Try lying on the edge of your bed - you'll soon drop off.

Does your clock tell the time?
by gf - Mon 23rd Dec 2002, 3:37pm
What do you give to a woman who has everything?
Although the "antibiotics" answer is available via some sources, and is not without its merits, I assume the more commonplace answer was being aimed for...

A man to show her how to use it.
by sexist, moi? - Mon 23rd Dec 2002, 4:24pm
Does your clock tell the time?
No, you have to look at it.

Why does the bride always wear white?
by I disasociate myself from that punchline - Mon 23rd Dec 2002, 5:44pm
sexist, moi? said: Why does the bride always wear white?
Because all domestic appliances come in white.

Teacher: "Billy, name two pronouns."
Billy: "..."
by Neil - Mon 23rd Dec 2002, 6:10pm
Teacher: "Billy, name two pronouns."
Billy: "..."
Billy: "Who, me?"

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking in bed?
by Simon - Mon 23rd Dec 2002, 7:09pm
Neil said: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking in bed?
Slow down and use more lubricant... nice Neil, thanks for lowering the tone.

What has 2 heads, 6 feet, 1 tail and 4 ears?
by tone restorer? - Mon 23rd Dec 2002, 8:05pm
What has 2 heads, 6 feet, 1 tail and 4 ears?
I don't know but it's crawling up your leg.

or: A man walking his dog.

Why is it advantageous to give lifts to blondes?
by game for a laugh? - Thu 16th Jan 2003, 10:05am
Isn't it apt that when they went to arrest Matthew Kelly, he was "in Peter Pan".
by Rich - Thu 16th Jan 2003, 12:54pm
tone restorer? said: Why is it advantageous to give lifts to blondes?
Cos they don't know how to use stairs?
by FT - Thu 16th Jan 2003, 3:14pm
Why is it advantageous to give lifts to blondes?
No, it's because you can park in handicapped spaces.
by dr wankenstein - Fri 2nd May 2003, 2:14pm
What does a dog do that a man steps into?
by RTT - Fri 2nd May 2003, 2:38pm
dr wankenstein said: What does a dog do that a man steps into?
Well, this only applies whilst crossing the bridge at Henley, but here goes:

Berks.
by RTT - Fri 2nd May 2003, 2:52pm
Indeed upon reflection it could equally well apply to a donkey if going the other way.
by stephen hawking's football boots - Fri 2nd May 2003, 3:23pm
dr wankenstein said: What does a dog do that a man steps into?
pants?
by Simon - Tue 27th May 2003, 6:25am
It's time for another game of "here's the punchline, so what would the joke have been?". In last night's Eastenders, we cut to Alfie Moon telling the last line of a joke that causes quite a bit of laughter from the girls he is trying to chat up. So what joke could he have been telling which has the punchline:
"And he said "Not with one leg I'm not.""
by RTT - Tue 27th May 2003, 8:39am
Two blokes were arguing over the best material to use to make corn dollies. One favoured the traditional wheat stem, whereas the other preferred the more fibrous broad bean plant. This, he argued, provided much more support, allowing for more complex structures to be built, and hence more realistic corn dollies. The other bloke disagreed as he felt the whole essence of a corn dolly was in its simplicity, and pointed out that the most traditional designs would be impossible to make out of broad bean plants as they are too difficult to bend. He asked his mate whether he could make a convincing limb out of a broad bean plant using just one twist. And the other bloke replied:

"No, not with one legume knot".
by Mike - Tue 27th May 2003, 5:47pm
They're discussing which other Eastenders characters' relatives that they would go out with. When she suggests Walford's only doctor's Spanish half-brother he replies:

"Not with Juan Legg, I'm not!"
by gf - Tue 27th May 2003, 5:58pm
With a pattern of speech influenced by their love of the Wayne's World films, they were being dismissive of the suggestion that they might use the toy building blocks they had fortuitously acquired to make plastic plaits.

"Knot with won Lego - um, NOT!"
by Simon - Tue 16th Dec 2003, 1:41pm
Mike said: Is it a joke or a trivia question?
The 2003 Christmas cracker season has arrived. The quality of the crackers here has taken a turn for the worse - please could somebody explain this to me as I don't get it:

Old Man: How old are you, sonny?
Small Boy: Six.
Old Man: Six! Why you're not as tall as my cane.
Small Boy: How old is your cane?
by ??? - Tue 16th Dec 2003, 3:24pm
What do you call a blonde in a cupboard?
by Mike - Tue 16th Dec 2003, 3:41pm
??? said: What do you call a blonde in a cupboard?
The 1996 hide and seek champion?
by Simon - Tue 16th Dec 2003, 3:51pm
??? said: What do you call a blonde in a cupboard?
Esther?
by mjb - Tue 16th Dec 2003, 6:51pm
Simon said: Esther?
Surely that's the answer to the chemistry joke:
"What do you call a blonde created from a carboxylic acid and an alcohol ?"
by Ester - Tue 16th Dec 2003, 10:16pm
Mike said: The 1996 hide and seek champion?
Yes!
And how do blondes brain cells die?
by mjb - Wed 17th Dec 2003, 10:29am
Ester said: How do blondes brain cells die?
Alone.

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette ?
by Simon - Thu 18th Dec 2003, 3:04pm
What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette ?
Artificial Intelligence.

Where do sheep get their hair cut?
by Dan - Thu 18th Dec 2003, 3:12pm
Baabaas?

What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?
by gf - Thu 18th Dec 2003, 3:42pm
Dan said: Baabaas?

What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant - dead ant - deadantdeadantdeadantdeadnt - dead ant...

What's worse than letting Michael Jackson put your kids to bed?
by Simon - Thu 18th Dec 2003, 3:46pm
gf said: What's worse than letting Michael Jackson put your kids to bed?
Having Ian Huntley bathe them first...

Can we stick to Christmas cracker jokes please?
Where do ships go when they are ill?
by not sure about this one - Thu 18th Dec 2003, 3:54pm
Simon said: Having Ian Huntley bathe them first...

Can we stick to Christmas cracker jokes please?
Where do ships go when they are ill?
the sick bay?
by more sure, less impressed... - Thu 18th Dec 2003, 3:55pm
Simon said: Having Ian Huntley bathe them first...

Can we stick to Christmas cracker jokes please?
Where do ships go when they are ill?
To the "docks"?
by Simon - Thu 18th Dec 2003, 4:02pm
To the "docks"?
Correct.
What do you get when you cross eggs on toast with a pair of trousers?
by gf - Thu 18th Dec 2003, 5:25pm
Simon said: Correct.
What do you get when you cross eggs on toast with a pair of trousers?
Baseless accusations of having creamed your jeans? (and then there's the toast...)
by Dubya - Thu 18th Dec 2003, 5:51pm
more sure, less impressed... said: To the "docks"?
why is this funny?
by Simon - Fri 19th Dec 2003, 10:20am
Dubya said: why is this funny?
It's a pun on the word "Doc" i.e. short for Doctor.

Scrambled legs is what you get when you have an eggs on toast/trousers interface. Or indeed fried/poached legs.

How do telephones get married?
by Mike - Fri 19th Dec 2003, 10:28am
Simon said: How do telephones get married?
I presume first of all they have to be engaged...
by Simon - Fri 19th Dec 2003, 10:54am
Mike said: I presume first of all they have to be engaged...
Good, but not the right answer...
"In a Double Ring ceremony"

Who was the most famous Russian billiards player?
by Mike - Fri 19th Dec 2003, 1:07pm
Simon said: Who was the most famous Russian billiards player?
This is going to be something ending with "in-offs" isn't it...
by Simon - Fri 19th Dec 2003, 1:35pm
Mike said: This is going to be something ending with "in-offs" isn't it...
"Inoff" features in the answer...
by Mike - Sun 28th Dec 2003, 7:09pm
It's been a bit quiet here for a while...

What has a tongue but cannot speak?
by a shoe - Mon 29th Dec 2003, 9:26am
what do you get if you cross a chicken and a dog?
by Pooched eggs - Mon 29th Dec 2003, 10:37am
a shoe said: what do you get if you cross a chicken and a dog?
Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
by dw229 - Mon 29th Dec 2003, 11:29am
A jungle sale?
by gf - Mon 29th Dec 2003, 11:39am
dw229 said: A jungle sale?
Yes.

What do you get if you cross a river with a bike?
by mjb - Mon 29th Dec 2003, 12:02pm
gf said: What do you get if you cross a river with a bike?
Wet ?
by Wet - Mon 29th Dec 2003, 12:03pm
gf said: Yes.

What do you get if you cross a river with a bike?
Why did the baker's hands smell bad?
by because he "kneaded" a shit - Mon 29th Dec 2003, 12:23pm
Wet said: Why did the baker's hands smell bad?
What's yellow and smells of bananas?
by dw229 - Mon 29th Dec 2003, 12:54pm
What's green and smells of pork?

Or is this forum only for nice jokes?
by gf - Mon 29th Dec 2003, 1:06pm
dw229 said: What's green and smells of pork?

Or is this forum only for nice jokes?
Kermit's finger.
by Simon - Mon 29th Dec 2003, 3:20pm
because he "kneaded" a shit said: What's yellow and smells of bananas?
Monkey Puke.

Why don't pigs telephone one another?

(btw, the earlier answer was Inoff the Red).
by gf - Wed 7th Apr 2004, 9:17am
Fantastic headline in today's Daily Star - "We'll put willies up Gary say Ant 'n Dec"
by Simon - Thu 30th Dec 2004, 11:30am
More cracker jokes...
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
by jmg - Thu 30th Dec 2004, 1:51pm
Simon said: More cracker jokes...
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's pop-corn?

You must have the same crackers as me
by Simon - Thu 30th Dec 2004, 9:13pm
jmg said: Where's pop-corn?
Is the right answer.

What do cats prefer for breakfast?
by mjb - Fri 31st Dec 2004, 9:28am
Simon said: What do cats prefer for breakfast?
Mice Krispies ?
by Simon - Fri 31st Dec 2004, 1:12pm
mjb said: Mice Krispies ?
Correct.

Why are goldfish gold?
by jpd - Tue 4th Jan 2005, 9:14am
Simon said: Why are goldfish gold?
So they don't rust?

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
by Simon - Tue 4th Jan 2005, 12:49pm
jpd said: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam!
by Simon - Mon 10th Jan 2005, 11:08am
What did the boy candle say to the girl candle?
by Mike - Mon 10th Jan 2005, 11:26am
Simon said: What did the boy candle say to the girl candle?
Will you go out with me?
by Rich - Mon 10th Jan 2005, 9:56pm
Mike said: Will you go out with me?
If they did go out, would it be to see a snuff movie?
by Simon - Tue 11th Jan 2005, 1:23pm
I can not see how a "joke" which involves some sort of suicide pact as its "punchline" is remotely funny.
by Simon - Wed 7th Dec 2005, 4:11pm
Christmas Crackers at the Fairbairn Dinner allow this thread to be started again:
What do Sea Monsters eat?
by mjb - Wed 7th Dec 2005, 4:12pm
Simon said: What do Sea Monsters eat?
Fish and ships ?
by Simon - Wed 7th Dec 2005, 4:21pm
Correct.
Where is it not safe to park in the jungle?
by Mary - Thu 8th Dec 2005, 10:17am
on a double yellow lion?
by gf - Thu 8th Dec 2005, 10:35am
Simon said: Correct.
Where is it not safe to park in the jungle?
If you'd merely said "forest" rather than "jungle", the answer would have to be Acorn Street.
by Simon - Fri 9th Dec 2005, 7:00am
Mary said: on a double yellow lion?
Correct.
Thousands of different possible right answers to the next one, so I'll give you half of the punchline to get you going:
Q - Teacher: Stephen, why are you late for school?
A - Stephen: Well I was dreaming about a football match...
by ... and it went to extra time - Fri 9th Dec 2005, 10:52am
Simon said: Correct.
Thousands of different possible right answers to the next one, so I'll give you half of the punchline to get you going:
Q - Teacher: Stephen, why are you late for school?
A - Stephen: Well I was dreaming about a football match...
Why can you never find any aspirin in the jungle ?
by Because the parrots ate 'em all - Fri 9th Dec 2005, 11:14am
... and it went to extra time said: Why can you never find any aspirin in the jungle ?
What do you call 5 bottles of lemonade?
by a pop group - Fri 9th Dec 2005, 3:45pm
Because the parrots ate 'em all said: What do you call 5 bottles of lemonade?
Did you hear about the Yorkshireman who was depressed because when he moved to London he couldn't find a decent Yorkshire pudding?
by Richard - Sat 10th Dec 2005, 12:01am
a pop group said: Did you hear about the Yorkshireman who was depressed because when he moved to London he couldn't find a decent Yorkshire pudding?
He's out rowing across the Atlantic, isn't he
by What is Santa's favourite pizza? - Mon 12th Dec 2005, 10:44am
Did you hear about the Yorkshireman who was depressed because when he moved to London he couldn't find a decent Yorkshire pudding?
He battered himself to death.
by What do you call a man who works in a perfume shop at Christmas? - Mon 12th Dec 2005, 10:55am
What is Santa's favourite pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even!
by Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? - Mon 12th Dec 2005, 11:06am
What do you call a man who works in a perfume shop at Christmas?
Frank in Scents
by What can you hold without using your hands? - Mon 12th Dec 2005, 11:19am
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A Mince Spy
by What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? - Mon 12th Dec 2005, 11:27am
What can you hold without using your hands?
Your breath
by What was Camelot famous for? - Mon 12th Dec 2005, 12:05pm
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitus? (I think ruder answers are available.)
by What does Santa like to do in the garden? - Mon 12th Dec 2005, 12:43pm
What was Camelot famous for?
Its knight life
by What do you get if you cross the M11 with a skateboard ? - Mon 12th Dec 2005, 5:22pm
What does Santa like to do in the garden?
Hoe Hoe Hoe !!!
by What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire - Mon 12th Dec 2005, 6:03pm
What do you get if you cross the M11 with a skateboard ?
Run over!
by What do you give an elephant with big feet? - Tue 13th Dec 2005, 8:07am
What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
by What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus? - Tue 13th Dec 2005, 12:11pm
What do you give an elephant with big feet?
Plenty of room
by What do you get if you cross a T-Rex with a Pig ? - Tue 13th Dec 2005, 5:18pm
What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?
Billy the Squid
by What has 40 feet and sings? - Tue 13th Dec 2005, 7:31pm
What do you get if you cross a T-Rex with a Pig ?
Jurassic Pork.
by What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber - Wed 14th Dec 2005, 2:04pm
What has 40 feet and sings?
St Winifreds School Choir.
by What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep? - Thu 15th Dec 2005, 8:44pm
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber
I googled this to find the answer and it's some nerdy nerd-nerd thing which I refuse to put on this Joke Fest.
by What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a bunch of daisies? - Thu 15th Dec 2005, 9:34pm
What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore.
by Why are cooks cruel? - Fri 16th Dec 2005, 6:33am
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a bunch of daisies?
Collie flowers.
by Dubya - Fri 16th Dec 2005, 10:23am
I googled this to find the answer and it's some nerdy nerd-nerd thing which I refuse to put on this Joke Fest.
I couldn't imagine what would be too nerdy for the Joke Fest, but it turns out you are right. Not only nerdy, but also crap!
by Breaking news - Fri 16th Dec 2005, 11:53am
Police have announced that, in hindsight, the decision to cremate George Best in Hemel Hempstead last Sunday may have been a mistake.
by taste monitor - Sun 18th Dec 2005, 12:51am
Breaking news said: Police have announced that, in hindsight, the decision to cremate George Best in Hemel Hempstead last Sunday may have been a mistake.
good taste...
by Where do Santa's helpers go to relax? - Sun 18th Dec 2005, 5:28pm
Why are cooks cruel?
Because they beat eggs and whip cream
by What's the best Christmas present you can get? - Mon 19th Dec 2005, 1:23am
Where do Santa's helpers go to relax?
An Elf Farm
by Dan Newton - Tue 20th Dec 2005, 1:16am
Laid
by Simon - Sat 9th Dec 2006, 8:38am
What do you get if you cross a skeleton and a detective?
(bonus point for guessing the same answer as I did, as well as the one on the card)
by Neil - Sat 9th Dec 2006, 10:58am
Sherlock Bones
by Andy - Fri 15th Dec 2006, 11:46am
From a cracker: What tales do frogs like best?
by Neil - Fri 15th Dec 2006, 1:43pm
Shaggy frog stories? Croak and dagger?
by Andy - Fri 15th Dec 2006, 4:22pm
Croak and dagger?
Yeah. Who makes these up?!?
by Neil - Sat 16th Dec 2006, 10:11am
5 year olds
by RTT - Sat 16th Dec 2006, 7:21pm
Andy said: Yeah. Who makes these up?!?
Neil said: 5 year olds
I don't get it.
by Neil - Sun 17th Dec 2006, 2:04am
peel the onion
by Simon - Wed 27th Dec 2006, 8:38am
Simon said: What do you get if you cross a skeleton and a detective?
(bonus point for guessing the same answer as I did, as well as the one on the card)
Sherlock Bones was the official answer, I also liked Columbones.

What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?
by Neil T - Wed 27th Dec 2006, 11:46am
Simon said: What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?
About 1mph.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
by mjb - Wed 27th Dec 2006, 5:13pm
Neil T said: What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells ?
by Neil T - Wed 27th Dec 2006, 8:34pm
mjb said: Jungle Bells ?
Indeed they do.

Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
by What happens when a frog parks in a no-parking zone? - Wed 27th Dec 2006, 9:20pm
Neil T said: Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan
by What do you call someone who is scared of Santa? - Wed 27th Dec 2006, 10:02pm
What happens when a frog parks in a no-parking zone? said: Tarzipan
He gets toad away.
by Claus-trophobic? - Wed 27th Dec 2006, 10:09pm
What do you call someone who makes clothes for rabbits?
by What creatures worry about their weight? - Thu 28th Dec 2006, 1:05am
What do you call someone who makes clothes for rabbits?
A Haredresser!
by Why does santa have three gardens? - Thu 28th Dec 2006, 11:22am
What creatures worry about their weight?
Fish, they take their scales everywhere!
by Where do planets go for their education? - Thu 28th Dec 2006, 11:49am
Why does santa have three gardens? said: Fish, they take their scales everywhere!
Because he likes to hoe-hoe-hoe
by What do you call an insect that doesn't know the words? - Thu 28th Dec 2006, 12:50pm
The Universe-ity?
by Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? - Fri 29th Dec 2006, 1:29pm
What do you call an insect that doesn't know the words?
A mumblebee?
by Neil - Fri 29th Dec 2006, 2:05pm
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? said: A mumblebee?
Sorry, I'm afraid the answer on the card is a "humbug"
by How do cows subtract? - Fri 29th Dec 2006, 4:27pm
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.
by What do you call an exploding monkey? - Fri 29th Dec 2006, 9:16pm
How do cows subtract?
With a cow-culator
by What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? - Sat 30th Dec 2006, 7:44pm
What do you call an exploding monkey?
an orang-a-bang
by Richard - Sat 30th Dec 2006, 10:15pm
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? said: an orang-a-bang
good, but the answer on the card was "Baboom"
by What do you call it when a bunch of sheep roll down a hill? - Sun 31st Dec 2006, 12:06pm
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam!
by What did the sea say to the sand? - Fri 28th Dec 2007, 9:14am
What do you call it when a bunch of sheep roll down a hill?
A lambslide.
We're probably getting to the stage where we're repeating jokes from previous years, but it's time for the latest batch of cracker jokes.
by how much does a cockney pay for shampoo? - Fri 28th Dec 2007, 9:37am
What did the sea say to the sand?
Nothing, it just waved
by Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine cupboard? - Fri 28th Dec 2007, 9:56am
how much does a cockney pay for shampoo?
Pantene, guv'nor?
by what has two wheels and travels underwater at 60mph? - Fri 28th Dec 2007, 10:52am
Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine cupboard?
It was full of sleeping pills
by Where should a dressmaker build her house? - Fri 28th Dec 2007, 11:44am
what has two wheels and travels underwater at 60mph?
A motorpike
by what has three wheels and travels underwater at 60mph? - Fri 28th Dec 2007, 12:08pm
Where should a dressmaker build her house?
On the outskirts of town
by How do snails keep their shells shiny? - Fri 28th Dec 2007, 12:16pm
what has three wheels and travels underwater at 60mph?
A motorpike with sidecarp?
by What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts - Sat 29th Dec 2007, 4:05pm
How do snails keep their shells shiny?
Snail Varnish
by Mike Newell - Sat 29th Dec 2007, 5:41pm
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
A taxi.
by How did the human cannonbal lose his job? - Sun 30th Dec 2007, 11:11am
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette
by What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? - Mon 31st Dec 2007, 3:13pm
How did the human cannonbal lose his job?
He was fired.
by On which side do chickens have the most feathers? - Tue 1st Jan 2008, 9:59am
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam!
by What does "DNA" stand for? - Wed 2nd Jan 2008, 4:40pm
The outside?
by Why do black sheep eat less than white sheep? - Fri 4th Jan 2008, 12:38pm
What does "DNA" stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
by Did you hear about the ill Christmas tree? - Fri 4th Jan 2008, 2:03pm
because there are fewer of them!
by Simon - Fri 12th Dec 2008, 8:15am
Did you hear about the ill Christmas tree? said: because there are fewer of them!
After a year, I still can't work out the punchline to this...
Which is a shame, because I want to ask what the hat said to the scarf.
by What kind of bee produces milk? - Fri 12th Dec 2008, 9:49am
Perhaps it had tinsellitis?
by You wrap things up and I'll go on a head? - Fri 12th Dec 2008, 10:53am
...the hat said to the scarf.
Can't crack the bee one yet, but there's something oddly charming about the word "bumbletit"
by Mark - Fri 12th Dec 2008, 11:06am
"What did the cavemen say when they saw their first flying reptile?"
Is it a bird...is it a plane...?
by Mark - Fri 12th Dec 2008, 11:07am
Oh I'm sorry, I seem to be replying to the 2001 post. I'm completely out there. Let's try again, this time at the recent end of the post...
by Mark - Fri 12th Dec 2008, 11:11am
You wrap things up and I'll go on a head? said: Can't crack the bee one yet, but there's something oddly charming about the word "bumbletit"
Graham I think you've got it! Just go on from there: I was thinking "boo-bees"
by What do you call a man in a cemetery wearing two raincoats? - Fri 12th Dec 2008, 2:49pm
..."boo-bees"
...is the right answer.
by mjb - Fri 12th Dec 2008, 6:17pm
What do you call a man in a cemetery wearing two raincoats?
I'm wondering if the answer to this is "Max Bygraves"
by Neil T - Fri 12th Dec 2008, 8:03pm
mjb said: I'm wondering if the answer to this is "Max Bygraves"
Correct. But what about a woman juggling bottles of lager?
by Mark - Fri 12th Dec 2008, 9:12pm
But what about a woman juggling bottles of lager?
George Best's personal entertainer?
by Simon - Sat 13th Dec 2008, 7:52am
what about a woman juggling bottles of lager?
Beatrix.
What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a goat?
by What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? - Sat 13th Dec 2008, 9:24am
What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a goat?
The Milky-Bar Kid
by Christian - Sun 14th Dec 2008, 3:42pm
Chicken Chow-grain?

What did the pair of crisps say when they bumped into a runner?
by Mark - Sun 14th Dec 2008, 10:47pm
Christian said: Chicken Chow-grain?

What did the pair of crisps say when they bumped into a runner?
Chicken Chow-grain?!?!

I'm not sure if that is (and it could well be) a really really bad X-mas cracker joke, or perhaps a really bad Christian Mertes attempt at the answer to a joke...
by Simon - Sun 14th Dec 2008, 11:22pm
There's no such thing as a bad attempt to answer a joke. Indeed, it's the whole point of this thread.

This thread traces its origins back to the 2nd May VIII 1999. I sat in front of Graham (we also lived on the same staircase, got mistaken for each other by novices, and I would take over from him as Magpiety that summer). Mike Goodson was in front of me, so it was a bit of a comedy line up in the bows; in front of Mike, stern four were, well, stern.

It was a warm summer, and I got into the habit of eating a lolly as I cycled to the BH for evening outings. I would then tell Graham the joke as we got into the boat. He would invariably get the answer instantly, before we even pushed off.

Until the day that the question was "What type of pie can fly?".

Graham's instant reply was "Jellycopter." Then, mentally blocked by a diversion onto puddings rather than pies, he struggled. For once I felt smug - finally a joke to which he didn't know the answer. During the warm up, other alternatives were offered; all were wrong.

By now we were heading for the lock to get over before women's hour started, and were motoring down the reach. I assume that I've won. Suddenly, without warning, I hear a muttered "Bustard Tart?" from behind me.

Tragically, it was also the wrong answer - surprising really, as I am sure all four year olds have heard of the Bustard and it would be the ideal punchline for a Mini Milk. Meanwhile I learnt that it's hard to row from Ditton to the lock while giggling.
by Sorry, we're only Walkers? - Mon 15th Dec 2008, 9:26am
What happened to the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
by t' bent Lolita - Mon 15th Dec 2008, 11:20am
Sorry, we're only Walkers? said: What happened to the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
Did he sell his soul to Santa?
by Magpie? - Mon 15th Dec 2008, 11:36am
t' bent Lolita said: Did he sell his soul to Santa?
I also heard he dialled 666 to report the emergency.
by Jij - Mon 15th Dec 2008, 11:48am
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
I reckon the answer to this is a Brick-Layer. Ah I've been to too many Christmas parties already!
by Mark - Mon 15th Dec 2008, 2:03pm
Sorry, we're only Walkers? said: What happened to the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
Did he get a Santa-nic Bible for Christmas?
by Jon - Wed 17th Dec 2008, 12:55am
How did the homeopath attempt suicide?

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