All race reports for Dan Newton
Event: Head of the Cam 2004 - Men's Other Mays
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Unfortunately - whether due to lack of fitness or general laziness the pressure then went a bit FaT bellyed, i.e. saggy round the midpoint.
A fantabulous 'Serge' from the railway bridge saw us come up fast behind Peterhouse. Peterhouse seemed to react to this as if they had had people coming up behind them hundreds of times before and managed to 'hold us' to the finish.
A good solid race but we could have pulled as well in the race as we did when marshalling for a better time.
Event: Robinson Head 2004 - Lower VIIIs
Posted as: D.J.T. Newton
Event Link
Event: May Bumps 2004 - Saturday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
We kicked ass.
Our showpiece-start for the peeps at the Plough wowed the crowds and the Thunderbirds move for the Womens 1sts definitely made a few hearts skip a beat.
We bumped up 2 to 2 in the 2nd division in BP2 putting us as the 2nd best 2nd boat on the river with 2 ex-novices rowing and 2 oldies at stroke and seven. I could go on, but realise this - my prediction for the night is that as 2 is obviously a lucky number for us our 2 man - Tom Coker - will get 'lucky' tonight ... twice.
P.s Mark managed not to slip and land in a cow pat this time whilst marshalling. Hehe.
Event: Cardinal's Regatta 2004 - Fancy Dress
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Event: Cardinal's Regatta 2004 - Fancy Dress
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Event: Cardinal's Regatta 2004 - Fancy Dress
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Event: Cardinal's Regatta 2004 - Fancy Dress
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Event: Lent Bumps 2004 - Saturday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Event: Lent Bumps 2004 - Friday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Event: Lent Bumps 2004 - Thursday
Posted as: D.J.T. Newton
Event Link
Event: Pembroke Regatta 2004 - 2nd VIIIs
Posted as: D.J.T. Newton
Event Link
Event: Pembroke Regatta 2004 - 2nd VIIIs
Posted as: D.J.T. Newton
Event Link
Event: Pembroke Regatta 2004 - 2nd VIIIs
Posted as: D.J.T. Newton
Event Link
Event: Lent Bumps 2005 - Tuesday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
We pushed out (Thanks Willum T) with great aplomb. Drew for a few. Wound it a little (only with 6 rowers - no sense in overdoing things - phil, fix your seat next time...). Then we strode...
And that was about it. They could at least have made it a bit more entertaining.
HOLD IT UP! Went the call. 2 AND 4! (to get us towards the bank). But what's this - Peterhouse are coming along too tight to the bank from behind - we haven't time to get across... PANIC!) Okay, ALL 8 FROM BACKSTOPS. And off we went again. Held off Peterhouse for long enough to get into the bank. They started a station behind, they were even slower than Downing!
One down, three to go. Minimum.
Event: May Bumps 2005 - Friday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Everyone was on station though the over-rating crews around us were beginning to flag whereas our relaxed and powerful rowing could have continued forever. It was at this point, just as Kings began to drop, the carnage happened.
With everyone pretty much on station we all assumed a technical row-over or at worst a re-row there and then. Instead we were all told to return with M1 for a re-row. WTF?!?!?!
Assuming that all the crews were all free for that time or could find legal subs I cannot understand how making everyone return to boathouses and then row all the way down again later on was the most effective or time-saving choice. It makes no sense.
On returning to the boathouse we discovered that four of our number had commitments they could not cancel and there was no way to find subs.
The feeling of being cheated by a poor re-row decision is tempered by the satifaction of having rowed our best piece so far and knowing that tomorrow we are capable of going out and bumping anything they put in front of us.
Event: May Bumps 2005 - Thursday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Event: May Bumps 2005 - Wednesday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Event: Champion of the Thames Eights Head 2005 - Men's 1st Div. Mays
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Sub wishes to thank Jacob for the rhythm, Mycroft for the view and Din for the backsplash
Event: City Sprints 2005 - CRA Nv 4+
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
The organisers intentionally had us wait for ten mintues at the stake boats for a crew late-to-marshall to arrive so as to up the ante. During this time the verbal battle commenced with the Arrows IV proving themselves to be in a different league. The best the FaT A crew could muster was some gutteral excretions from James 'the yank' Scott, a Black Adder quote from Dan 'funny man' Jane that bombed painfully and a link from our official race title 'FaT B' to the primary school insult 'FaT Bumheads'. Honestly guys. Sort it out.
Then the race started. They had a better boat, better blades and we decided to be sporting and not gear up (take off the clams) and yet it was reeeeeeeeaaaaally close. We lost physically by a mere 'honkhonk' (meaning the finish line honks were so close together). We did win a moral victory though.
After the race we spun and then waited behind FaT A for the river to be clear to go back to the boathouses. We slowly edged up to them and the stroke man (at the behest of the other members of the crew) splashed the cox with his blade. Teeheehee.
The FaT A's comeback was 'Thunderbirds' outside the boathouses. Something we had already considered but decided was beneath us. It pains me to say their Thunderbirds went so badly they felt the need for more revenge. They therefore reverted to boatie basics and threw moi in the river. An extremely irresponsible, childish, immature and cold act. Almost as extremely irresponsible, childish, immature and cold an act as Bryn then pushing two of them in after me. Mwahahaha.
We won in all but the race and looked good doing it. A good days work. FaT A, better luck next time.
Event: City Sprints 2005 - CRA Nv 4+
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
We had to change shoes so that our feet fitted. As a result we were late to marshall (the pre-race wait, not the person).
This problem could have been avoided if every female on the planet (who rowed) had her feet enlarged to respectable male proportions. It would also mean that fewer rowing shoes would need to be made. There would be correspondingly less child labour forced to make them in the far east and so less human suffering in general.
Event: City Sprints 2005 - CRA Nv 4+
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Event: Lent Bumps 2005 - Friday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
The beauty was in the simplicity.
We did a good start and moved up on Clare II. They bumped a crappy Catz II crew though. Their stroke man gestured forcefully at us as we rowed by. Most unsporting. This means that (a) they were petrified of us and (b) he has a small willy.
***CORRECTION - my sources tell me Clare stroke was actually cheering us on. Very sorry dude. I was too quick to anger and need glasses. I'm sure your willy is fine.***
Overbump was a maybe but we couldnt make four and a half lengths on them before they made one and half on the people they were chasing and bumped out.
A triple overbump, even for us, was not gonna happen.
In the end we realised that blades are just pretentious. If you get blades in the 3rd boat you're labelled a 'ringer'. We're too modest for that and so decided that up 3 is a much better result...... (touch wood)
Event: Lent Bumps 2005 - Wednesday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Rowing down, feeling good, what should happen but Rob's rigger sheers through due to his brute force and constant 110% application. I'll explain it technically and if it doesn't make sense to those who don't know the rowing terms then you may need a rowing dictionary:
Of the three bar things on the metal thing that holds the oar in, the middle (thickest) bar broke in two.
Bummer!
Luckily Iain the super boatman was on hand and he bound the rigger together using nothing but his bare hands, a make-shift splint (from an iron rod he just happened to be carrying), and a lot of gaffer tape.
Rob was to row ghost pressure, and 6 a bit too to balance the pressures. We're sorted. Pushed off. BUT NO....
Pushed off too hard, Honey drops the bung, we drift back into the bank. At the gun Mark's first move is to push off the bank, then draw. Needless to say it's not the best start.
We found out later this was also because Rob 'the rigger breaker' Patterson had not tied his feet in. DOH!
Once he got them back in (about a minute in) and we had 8 rowers the bump was a doddle.
Hopefully friday we can move up to 8 rowers and have the excitement IN the race. As Phil said, we've had all our bad luck and good luck in two days so we're on our own from now on. Surely nothing else can go wrong. Can it?
p.s Rob - private land training between now and fridays race - sit on an erg and practise feet in, feet out, feet in, feet out, feet IN. And repeat...
Event: Pembroke Regatta 2005 - College lower VIIIs
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Bit of hanky panky at the start saw us have to hold it up and restart. Unfortunately stroke's blade from Selwyn was mere inches from the side of our boat at the time and bucketed water over Dilini and I on the hold up. Cheap tactics I thought.
The race was arduous and tough but afterwards I got to play noble gent in looking after Dilini the shivering wee wet thing. This included holding up blankets for her to swap trousers behind (they were donated by Mark), rubbing her legs to get them warm (not sure if this helped but I did it anyway, her lips were to cold to form the words 'Get off me you perv') and hugging. This was my highlight of the day. Oh yeah this and the next race......
Event: Pembroke Regatta 2005 - College lower VIIIs
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Personally I was insulted that Pembroke kept us in this division when clearly the opposition was markedly inferior. In religious terms a Jesus III is never going to beat a Trinity III because not only do we have III Jesus' within our description but III Gods and III Holy Spirits. At 9 celestial bodies to 3 we are 3 times as good. It's simple mathematics.
On a more important note Phil slipped into the Cam on getting out during marshalling - a foot went either side of the backstay. As Will put it 'He's singing a different part in the choir nowadays'. He changed out of his leggings and into Keith's trousers. No one saw his willy. The rigger was bent but we rowed on it and won.
Then we got told if we changed boats before the semis we'd be disqulified; so we changed boats. Back to the boathouse and back up to the start we were told we had been disqualified. But the guy wasn't very assertive so we kept rowing. And when we passed the P&E we kept rowing. And when we got told by the marshall to pull in just before the motorway bridge we pulled in. And she hadn't heard about the disqulaification and Selwyn (our opponents) had been held back at the P&E so we were home and dry!
Either word never got round that we were disqualified or by the time our marshall heard we were rowing down to the start. Teehee. Bet that makes John's who lost to us in the final feel loads better - they lost to a crew that had already been disqualified (and that had had more than it's 3 warnings which also leads to disqualification). We're so naughty.
Event: Pembroke Regatta 2005 - College lower VIIIs
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
We pulled far too hard in this race and put in far too much effort. We are a gents VIII so why to people feel the need to be so physical?!?! We could have won rowing in fours at 26. 'COS WE'RE GREAT.
Event: Robinson Head 2005 - 1st division
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
They actually drew with Caius. Robinson made up the one second gap so they wouldn't have to split the prizes because they're poor.
They would have beaten Caius soundly if they had had a 6 man with muscle and energy.
For the 6 man his second race of the day was very enjoyable but extremely painful. The group shower afterwards was worth it though. Thanks guys.
The first VIII will go head. I have no doubt.
The first VIII are great.
Event: Robinson Head 2005 - Lower VIIIs
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Having tightened strokes nuts on the way down (they were coming loose) we were set for a typically majestic and commanding race. True to form we charged out of the blocks like a Grand National winner with afterburners.
We rowed like demons for 59 seconds before there was a slight wobble meaning Honey remained fully clothed. This pattern repeated all race, 59 seconds of brilliance and then one weaker stroke let us down. We need to start taking advantage of the fact we have a female cox. (The words 'fact we have a' can be removed from the last sentence).
We posted yet another speedy-gonzalez time. We left our bumps chasers in the same way a Ferrari leaves a Skoda at the lights; a Skoda that's in reverse. And we're pretty at the same time.
Finally if anyone talks about 'rating' any more the stroke will not be responsible for his actions. If we can get say 4 or 5 minutes of consistently good rowing (7 or 8 if it's a cold day requiring extra layers) then the rate will rise all of its own accord you can be assured...
BUGGER ME! Just compared our race result to bumps charts for last Lents. Just call us the giants slayers. From 11th in Div 3 we beat - 17th Div 2, 13th Div 2 and , oh yeah, 9th Div 1. Woohoo!
Event: Newnham Short Course 2005 - Lower VIIIs
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
The gents VIII, true to their name, was an VIII. There was, however, nothing gentlemanly and a lot manly about our race. Pulling like horny bisons on speed in mating season we dropped Maggie 3rds behind us like an extremely tall drunken man drops his glass when he picks it up with wet fingers - very easily and a long way.
(serious paragraph)
This race doubled our water time this term. Technique is sound. Lacking the mental and physical toughness that comes from training - we haven't done any. That will come. As will the blades.
Special mention goes to Dubya for coxing; a true gent. We shall be using his 'surge' call of '3...2...1...ENGAGE' no doubt in our rigorous training programme this term.
Nearly had terrible equipment failure in the race, luckily it happened on the row down. Stroke's collar came off (ladies - that's the bit screwed onto the 'blade' that stops it slipping through what's called a 'gate'). For the benefit of the other FaT VIIIs therefore who howled with laughter - IT WAS NOT A CRAB. Grrrrrrrrr.
Just think how many more race (reports) we have before the end of term. Reckon you'll read to the end of all of them?!
Event: Cambridge Winter Head 2004 - Senior VIIIs
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
As a scratch crew, any expectations seemed either low or miss-placed. We rowed down like legends though, having to easy hundreds of times because we were just too fast for the other crews rowing down. They were all 10 year old school boys in old wooden boats but who's counting?
During marshalling we waited some more whilst Honey checked out the plethora of toddlers in the schoolboy boats; spotting who would be 'fit' upon coming of age. Some people call this paedophilia.
The race went well. At a relaxed 30 we strode the course magnificently and alighted at the boat house having done a good job.
Report submitted by Dan 'rhythm of a black man' Newton. Apologies for any smelling mistakes.
Event: University IVs 2004 - 1st division
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
And it did.
Unfortunately Wolfson secretly attached a rope underwater to the back of our boat and having dragged behind us the whole way they then put in a push with fresh legs at the finish to steal it by a few seconds.
They may have won the race but there are a number of positives the crew can take away from the experience...
We are by far the most aesthetically pleasing IV on the cam this term, including ladies crews. We row with a finesse and assurance more befitting crews who have had crazy extras like coaching and crew pastas together. And finally, now that we have been knocked out we have time to do other important things like wash our stinking lycra and sample a day or so without rowing.
Quote of the regatta: (Duan) 'Dan, you can stroke my boat anytime' Boy is my ego big now.
Please note - this is the unofficial race report and any likeness in any way to the bona fide article is purely coincidental and unintentional.
Event: Pembroke Regatta 2005 - College lower VIIIs
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
With Dilini wrapped up in an emergency blanket looking like a sweet we rowed down with purpose, pride and pneumonia. Our race attitude was less controlled aggression, less determination and focus - it was more along the lines of 'well we're here, in the final, may as well win I suppose'.
We clashed and bumped and got whistles blown at us (and them) and clashed some more. It was excellent fun, ra ra. Then we won. As you do.
Then we easied next to them who were next to the grey barge and had a chat. 'Great race lads' 'Three cheers' 'We'll get you next time' 'Thought you had it for a minute there' etc etc until...
(Mr Thorne) 'Maggie you're drifting into the grey barge'. At this point their stroke flipped, talk about sore loser, he did not want to talk to us, not at all. And told us so amongst profanities and the like. The marvellous thing about VIIIs being so long though is that you can't hear stroke all too well so his bows and ours carried on with their chatting. His look was textbook. The redness of his face matched his shirt, and I could have sworn there was steam coming out of his ears.
WE BEAT MAGGIE. WE WON. Until someone proves otherwise, we are officially the fastest 3rd VIII on the cam. I bet there's not many people who can say that.
Thanks to Keith for subbing, Will for subbing, and Dil for risking life and frostbite to take down Maggie.
Event: May Bumps 2006 - Friday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
In other news... Thunderbirds are coming.................
Event: May Bumps 2006 - Thursday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
This was the most erotic bump I can remember. Two giant phallic structures - one red, one blue and gold. The blue and gold approached the back end of the red and ever so gently rubbed up and down the helpless side of the red until their cox gave in.
In other news this was Rupert's first ever headship.
Event: May Bumps 2006 - Wednesday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Interestingly it seems the 6 man has the b(r)e(a)st pectoral definition, perhaps even pushing for a B cup. Others in the crew are not far behind though and so some form of official measurement is called for before the week is out. If anyone would like to volounteer to be the independent arbiter email djtn2.
In other news we had a solid row over and are looking to bump a Maggie crew on Thursday.
Event: University IVs 2006 - 1st division
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Event: Pembroke Regatta 2007 - 3rd division
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Event: Pembroke Regatta 2007 - 3rd division
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Event: Pembroke Regatta 2007 - 3rd division
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Event: Pembroke Regatta 2007 - 3rd division
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Our start was faster and a good 7 pips lower than theirs. They caught a crab which was a shame as we would have dominated without it. Got a few lengths clear and never looked back.
More importantly never took our feet off the gas and had a cheeky 'up two' coming up to the line to send out a strong signal for bumps. It's business time.
Event: Lent Bumps 2007 - Tuesday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
An excellent start but tomorrow is looking much tougher. I back us to pull something out of the bag if we hit the stride well and don't let the wind put us off. ('Wind' as in the weather, not the start procedure)
Event: Lent Bumps 2007 - Wednesday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
The conditions were oceanic, especially on the reach, and Christs were a good deal faster than yesterday. The boys held it together admirably in what was a baptism of fire for many of them - having had no real rough water or wind experience.
We would probably have not caught Homerton with a good start and so the result was fair - just Christs got a little closer than we would have liked. Looks positive for the last two days as we collect Homerton's driftwood.
Event: Lent Bumps 2007 - Friday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Our swan start put us up on Binson immediately. When things were looking beyond doubt Homerton, who had bumped out ahead of Binson, started to swing out from their inside of the corner clearing position. Binson squeezed through and we had to take the corner very wide. Stroke side did a fabulous job swinging us back round and once straight the onslaught began in earnest. We were soon back to a length, half a length and then bump. Moved up consistently and powerfully, bumping just before grassy.
More of the same tomorrow barring any unforeseen mishaps.
Event: Lent Bumps 2007 - Friday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
Event: Lent Bumps 2007 - Saturday
Posted as: Dan Newton
Event Link
The focus for the row home was 'sexual'. 'Sexual' rowing is achieved by using either 'blue steel' or, for softer water work - 'le tigre', along with much flexing of the muscles (pronounced 'moose-clays'). The aim of 'sexual' rowing is to make as many females pregnant as possible merely by rowing past them. We obviously won't know quite how sexual we were for a month or so but there were definitely a few weak knees on the towpath. One lady even fell over. This may have been due to the crew 'wave' which M3 have incorporated into their one arm rowing exercise rather than leave their spare arm hanging uselessly behind their backs.
