All race reports for Alexander Dent
Event: May Bumps 2022 - Wednesday
Posted as: Alexander Dent
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Among our many strengths is not, ironically, any actual strength, and it was therefore forgivable to hear some surprise in Matt's voice when he called a 'moving' off the start. A good blast and settle left us inside station on Darwin and moving as much as a length or two up from Clare. Bomber, however, with the misleadingly breezy air of a weather forecaster predicting perfect sunshine, informed us on First Post Reach that Darwin had bumped Jesus ahead, and that we were therefore confronted with an ambitious row for the overbump on Downing.
Calls from six-and-a-half lengths at First Post to four lengths at the Plough raised some hopes, but like a great flailing yellow octopus the Clare crew was stretching its tentacles towards us and had three whistles as we rounded Ditton. Our rowing was by now roughly as powerful as a particularly eco-friendly lightbulb, and despite an urgent bumps call from Emily Clare had the job done by the spinning zone. Life as the sandwich crew ahead.
Still: diamonds, pressure and all that.
Event: May Bumps 2022 - Thursday
Posted as: Alexander Dent
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Bomber, clearly infected by our sporting spirit, seemingly desired to give the big lads at Magdalene a sniff at the bump. Unilaterally deciding, contrary to all available visible evidence, that the Cam had changed course overnight, he pushed us off almost directly towards the opposite bank, and only some quick steering from Emily 'very nice' Man prevented a rapid demise for Cambridge's most-loved Empacher. This unfortunately left Magd within a length, and an enthusiastic charge left them with slight overlap coming into Grassy.
At this point, however, we decided that Magd had had their fun. The words of Fordy ('Coach P') and Matt rang in our ears- or at least, they would have done, had Fordy not at this point started imitating the croak of an asthmatic frog, and had Matt not decided his day was better spent at Henley. We took Grassy with aplomb, and pulled out half a length down Plough Reach. Unbelievably, given our second-half drubbing at Clare's hands yesterday, and our frankly uninspiring 2ks, we proceeded to outlast Magd down the Reach. After some optimistic whistles from the Magd bank party, we put three lengths on them up to the railway bridge, at which point they wound down and licked their wounds.
This left us with a fly-and-die shot at our old nemesis, Clare M2. Clearly news of our performance had spread like wildfire, as the crowd swelled significantly for the encore, and our practice start at the Plough was greeted with roars which I can compare only to those of a packed Estadio Azteca. We closed to within three-quarters of a length off a hectic start, but knew that Clare would soon sprint for Jesus, and we were on station when they bumped out on First Post Reach.
Here followed, as an amusing incident, possibly the most inconsequential cox-coach miscommunication in bumps history. Bomber, trying to sharpen Emily's line around First Post, shouted 'closer to me, Emily!'. To this Emily 'kraken' Man responded with no new steering inputs, but instead misunderstood and told the boys 'getting closer, boys!'. Given that the only crew still rowing over was Selwyn, 16 stations and at least 24 lengths ahead, this information was 1) probably wrong 2) definitely useless and 3) not even close to Bomber's intended meaning. We wound it down before Grassy, saving the legs for the big day tomorrow.
Event: May Bumps 2022 - Friday
Posted as: Alexander Dent
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Ironic, then, that we bumped Jesus to do it.
Having given Magdalene their thrill for the week yesterday, M2 (and Bomber) decided that clinical precision was in order today. Only one whistle was surrendered coming into Grassy, and it was swiftly withdrawn down Plough Reach.
The weather gods, however, clearly thought that we needed more of an opportunity to show off our oarsmanship, and sent a chunky headwind down the Reach. Surprisingly for a crew of such apparently meagre raw power, but unsurprisingly for a crew of such devotion to the rowing art, we pulled out another two lengths up to the Railway Bridge against the significantly bigger Magd boat. (This has, unfortunately, raised suspicions about the level of effort put into our erg scores. Big Brother, even in moments of triumph, always watches.) Unable to wind down because of a lurking Queens crew, Magd then matched our pace to Top Finish.
But our nerves could not yet subside, for only half the job was done. We had been on station with both Darwin and Clare when they bumped Jesus by First Post, and in our hubris we believed that only a 500m blast lay in store. It was to our consternation, therefore, that Bomber and Fordy fell silent for the first three minutes of the race (Fordy, ever faithful to his boys, later confessed that at this point he thought we were finished). Jesus simply rowed away.
Around First Post, however, we realised that Jesus' prodigious speed was due to a strategy which roughly rhymes with 'high and dry'-- as, fittingly, they were left after its failure. By the entry to Grassy we were down to two lengths from an initial four, and by its exit we had our first whistle. Like all the great sports teams, M2 loves a crowd, and in front of our adoring fans at the Plough we took two more whistles. Matthew 'mentality' Yoko, the evergreen Duracell bunny of our boat, held the rate high round Ditton, and we were rewarded with the bump just before coming straight.
One for the history books.
Event: May Bumps 2022 - Saturday
Posted as: Alexander Dent
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The row-over itself is painful to relive, involving gradual progress from station to three whistles on Downing midway down the reach, and eventual overlap during our bumps push. But the Downing cox, with all the skill of a seasoned taxi-driver switching lanes on the M25, took her boat across the Reach, and allowed her weary soldiers to escape to a quarter of a length by Bottom Finish. Special mention, however, is owed to M2's own Emily 'English maiden' Man, whose adroit corners gave us the opportunity to close in the first place.
More general gratitude needs to be given to several people. First, to Matt 'body rock' Griffiths and to Peter 'Coach P'/'Fordy' Ford, whose skilful guidance took us from a bunch of unfit, incapable college rowers to a bunch of unfit, slightly-less-incapable college rowers. (It is to be hoped that Fordy soon applies his expertise to his own Cantabs crews, who row considerably slower with considerably more available power.) Next, to Bomber 'Stephen' Harris, who has devoted his life, in vain, to the complete eradication of muppetry, but saw fit to help this particular crew of muppets out. To Mate 'focus' Feher, the tireless crew captain, whose touching words at BCD belied the scarcely-concealed rage which powered this 'bow pair wow pair' rocket. To Alex Barrett, for bank-partying, and to all the alumni, coxes, and subs generally who have made M2's term possible.
Finally, however, my thanks are to the crew themselves: Emily, Matthew, Isaac, Seb, Bigdan, Krisztian, Mate (again) and Mattis. It has been a pleasure, a (not infrequent) pain, but above all a complete privilege to row with you all for the last eight weeks. I look forward to what next year brings.
