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A Few Good Umpires by Michael Parker in the Mays 2002 Bumps Programme - Mon 26th Feb 2007, 11:29pm
TOM CRUISE (Coach): Did you order the rerow?
JACK NICHOLSON (Senior Umpire): You want answers?
TOM CRUISE: I think I'm entitled.
JACK NICHOLSON: You want answers?!
TOM CRUISE: I want the truth!
JACK NICHOLSON: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has bumps races through the gut. And those bumps have to be umpired by men with bikes. Who's going to do it? You? The Cam Conservators? LMBC? I have greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for your cox and you curse Grassy. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that your bump, while tragic, occurred because we were trying to clear the river. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, clears the river. You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at Boat Club dinners, you want me on that bike. You need me on that bike! We use words like overbump, canvas, First Post, one-minute gun... we use these words as the backbone to a life spent umpiring something. You use 'em as a punch-line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very 'racing' I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I'd prefer you just said thank-you then went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a bib and work as an umpire. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!!
TOM CRUISE: Did you order the rerow??
JACK NICHOLSON: You're damn right I did!
by Larrie Peckham - Thu 1st Mar 2007, 8:57am
On behalf the club I would like to wish Michael Parker a very happy 40th birthday.

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