About the Club

The Justice, 29th February 2004

At 4pm on Sunday, 29th February, The Justice reconvened in the upstairs of the Maypole. Officials of the court were the Law Lords, Mr John Earl (JE) and Mr Dan Holland (DH/Din), the Clerk of the Court, Miss Sarah Taylor (ST), the Chief Prosecutor, Miss Catherine Aiken (CA) and the Enforcer, Mr Martin Peck (MP).

The court was in order at 4:05pm.

1. Attending previous Justice Meetings, yet never being tried, therefore not actually being a member of The Justice
2. Liaisons with gentlemen of significant size
3. Being fundamentally confused between rowing and sex
4. Going AWOL
5. Failure to purchase a drink and multiple counts of theft
6. Excessive violence, excessive steering and going to Caius
7. Not being a Lower Boats Captain
8. Damage to the Captain's Boat Club tie
9. Knowing all the songs by S Club Juniors, including full lyrics and dance moves and also being soft
10. Getting things the wrong way round
11. Failure to Stomp
12. Excessive lardiness
13. Laziness and repeated losing to CCAT
14. Excessive pointlessness
15. Undue care with Boat Club equipment
16. Failure to hold her drink
17. Meeting conclusion

Attending previous Justice Meetings, yet never being tried, therefore not actually being a member of The Justice the Accused: Mr Matt Byrne (MB)

Case 1   Prosecution by: CA

Case for the prosecution:
The Prosecution simply stated that Mr. Byrne was dull.

Case for the defence:
MB instead pleaded deviousness and stated that the previous Justice meeting had not been up to the usual high standards.

Verdict:
GUILTY of being dull

Sentence:
MB was fined two fingers of drink, up to a maximum of two pints, for every two minutes it took him to find an item of fluorescent clothing. This was then to be worn for the rest of the meeting in an effort to make him less dull.

Liaisons with gentlemen of significant size the Accused: Miss Jenny Lee (JL)

Case 2   Prosecution by: CA

Case for the prosecution:
JL seems to be starting a trend, having recently pulled two people over six feet tall, namely Mr. J. McI. Glass and someone only known as Big Tall Mark.

Case for the defence:
None given.

Additional Notes: At this point, conversation turned to whether tall people should only pull tall people and vice versa. DH then pointed out that, even though he was tall, he would not pull JG. The Court also wanted to know if JL had neck ache and though she did not, she seemed to be sporting a definite love bite.

Verdict:
GUILTY

Sentence:
JL was sentenced to passionately kiss a table leg for the duration of the next case to teach her about perspective. She appealed, but this was denied, despite her protestations of 'I'm really good'.

Additional Notes: In the general conversation during this case, Miss Rachel Munro (RM) seemed confused about our location, referring to 'the rest of the outing' instead of 'the rest of the evening'. This naturally led on to the next case.

Being fundamentally confused between rowing and sex the Accused: Miss Rachel Munro (RM)

Case 3   Prosecution by: CA

Case for the prosecution:
The main evidence was from the previous case. CA also brought before the Court the infamous 'fountain' incident involving a Maggie boy and resulting in a broken arm.

Case for the defence:
RM stated that any confusion she had between rowing and sex was alcohol related and this was perfectly within her role as KSS, where her main job is to promote alcohol related events. She also said that by endangering the life of the aforementioned Maggie boy on the fountain, she was preventing him rowing, which could only be of benefit to our Club.

Verdict:
GUILTY

Sentence:
RM was sentenced to prosecute the next case, in rhythm, using only sex and rowing related words, though she was worried about this as 'there are only about two'.

Matt Byrne returned at this point and the Court was impressed to see him wearing a CUCBC Umpire's fluorescent yellow vest. It took him 16 mins 34 secs, so he was sentenced to drink two pints of an interesting coloured liquid.

Going AWOL the Accused: Miss Jo Sampson (JS)

Case 4   Prosecution by: RM

Case for the prosecution:
'Backstops, Jo, go...shit I've crashed already' were the Prosecution's opening words, after which she realised she said 'erm' a lot while coxing. She then abandoned her punishment and stated that one early morning this term, JS had not turned up at the Boat House for her outing, was not answering her phone and could not be found in her room. She was therefore declared officially AWOL.

Case for the defence:
JS pleaded insanity, then changed her defense to just being drunk. She explained that the gentleman at Trinity Hall who was kind enough to give her a bed for the night was incompetent at setting alarm clocks, setting it for 6:55am instead of the requested 6:30am. He had forgotten the sensation of getting up early, only rowing in a low commitment boat this term.

Verdict:
GUILTY

Sentence:
JS was sentenced to email The Justice every hour, at five minutes to the hour, until 6:55am the next morning to teach her to the lesson of being on time.

It was noticed that JL had not been carrying out her punishment during the previous case. Miss Honey Duan(HD) tried to enforce, but only succeeded in hitting JL's nose on the table. RM was then re-sentenced to purchase a red drink and consume it without the aid of her arms and JL carried out her punishment by licking off the table any liquid spilled by RM

Failure to purchase a drink and multiple counts of theft the Accused: Miss Lilie Weaver (LW)

Case 5   Prosecution by: Mr. Andrew Lea-Cox (AC)

Case for the prosecution:
AC had seen LW at the bar trying to order a rum and diet coke. She had been asked for ID, despite being over 18. Unable to produce any, she was refused service. On the charge of theft, various people stated that LW had a collection of stolen items in her room, generally acquired at Formal Halls.

Case for the defence:
LW verified that she had been refused service at the bar. She also told the Court with great delight that her stash of stolen goods included various Ball posters, crockery from many colleges and a large Starbucks mug, all of which did nothing for her defence whatsoever.

Verdict:
GUILTY

Sentence:
LW was sentenced to go home, collect the Starbuck's mug and some ID and get served a cocktail, made in the mug. A fine of two fingers per two minutes taken was to be awarded, but this could be reduced if she could return with an item stolen from St. John's College.

Excessive violence, excessive steering and going to Caius the Accused: Miss Honey Duan (HD)

Case 6   Prosecution by: Mr. Richard Bullock (RB)

Case for the prosecution:
Evidence of excessive violence was seen by the whole Court earlier and felt by JL who was still nursing her nose. On the count of excessive steering, it was observed in Lents last year that HD had crashed into Grassy, as well as some occasions this Lents where wide lines had been taken around corners. Also, HD had to go to Caius for an orchestra rehearsal.

Case for the defence:
Mr. Jack Gillett (JG) said the wide lines were tactical and enabled HD to get her bows inside the crew being chased around Grassy.

Verdict:
GUILTY

Sentence:
HD was sentenced to zig-zag her way down Park Street making coxing hand gestures, bumping anything in her path and taking a very wide corner. She carried out her punishment very successfully, bumping a stationary car, a cyclist and four highly bemused people. MB, in his CUCBC vest, was sent down to marshall, then fined for being late.

Not being a Lower Boats Captain the Accused: Mr Richard Bullock (RB)

Case 7   Prosecution by: JE

Case for the prosecution:
JE stated that RB had spent a lot of time during Michaelmas term at the Boat House teaching novices to row, yet was not an LBC.

Case for the defence:
RB stated that he was planning on running for LBC next year, which met with all round approval.

Verdict:
GUILTY

Sentence:
RB was sentenced to drink three fingers of his drink to represent the three terms this year he failed to be an LBC.

Damage to the Captain's Boat Club tie the Accused: Miss Pia Schaefer(PS)

Case 8   Prosecution by: DH

Case for the prosecution:
DH stated that PS borrowed his tie and when it was returned, it was in a much worse state than that in which it had been borrowed. In his words 'it looks fairly scraggly'.

Case for the defence:
In her defence, PS claimed intense loyalty. She borrowed it for the Newnham Short Course to tie around her head to prevent her blade coming out of the gate. Apparently only Dan's tie would do. She offered to have it dry cleaned, but DH refused, believing that if he left it on his mantlepiece, the creases would drop out.

Verdict:
PS was declared innocent as she had tried to make amends and it was actually Din who was at fault. It was then decided they were both GUILTY, PS for damaging the tie in the first place and DH for misplaced priorities in not getting his tie sorted out as quickly as possible.

Sentence:
They were both sent off to find ties, a drinking fine to be awarded on return.

At this point LW arrived back in 11 mins 30 secs with a mug full of cocktail. She had also managed to steal a plate from the kitchens in St. John's on the way back! Her punishment was therefore duly amended. She was allowed drink the cocktail as slowly as she liked and is never allowed to steal from the Maypole. She also became the Boat Club's official Guardian of the Flags, tasked to look after our current, rather Binsonesque set, find out who stole our previous ones and try to retrieve them.

Knowing all the songs by S Club Juniors, including full lyrics and dance moves and also being soft the Accused: Mr Andrew Lea-Cox (AL)

Case 9   Prosecution by: JL

Case for the prosecution:
On the first count, no prosecution was needed as most of the Court had seen AL in the bop the previous night. On the second count, AL was the only person to order First and Third embroidered pogies in the recent kit order, despite already owning a pair which he wore for nearly every outing this term.

Case for the defence:
In response to the S Club Juniors charge, AL simply said 'Come on, they're a really good band'. The Court disagreed.

Verdict:
GUILTY on both counts

Sentence:
AC was sentenced to get a pint of ice cubes and hold it in both hands until they had all melted. He is also going to have to perform his much loved dance routines whenever he hears an S Club Juniors song played at the AGM next term.

DH returned with a tie

Getting things the wrong way round the Accused: Mr. Jack Gillett (JG)

Case 10   Prosecution by: Mr. Phil Horler (PH)

Case for the prosecution:
The Court heard how JG drank before races and gave up drinking afterwards. In Michaelmas term he drank a gallon of beer the night before the Winter Head, instead of going to his crew pasta and now the Bumps are over he was sitting drinking a coke, having given up alcohol for Lent.

Case for the defence:
JG spouted some rubbish, saying he though all rowers were supposed to be hard-core drinkers. Given we also like rowing fast, we ignored him.

Verdict:
GUILTY

Sentence:
JG was sentenced to turn all his clothes inside out and back to front and wear them like that for the rest of the evening.

Seven minutes after Din, PS returned with a new Maggie tie, still in the packet. The accused were then tied together at the neck and sent downstairs to buy drinks, which they then had to simultaneously feed to each other.

Failure to Stomp the Accused: Miss Abbie Aiken (AA)

Case 11   Prosecution by: CA

Case for the prosecution:
AA had not been seen Stomping this week. Evidence enough.

Case for the defence:
None.

Verdict:
GUILTY

Sentence:
AA was sentenced to go and find someone from Maggie to bring back and Stomp with, then buy them the famous Maypole late, late breakfast.

Excessive lardiness the Accused: Miss Aileen Dennis (AD)

Case 12   Prosecution by: CA

Case for the prosecution:
Everyone in the Court saw AD crowned Lard Queen at the Dinner the previous night, where she was awarded a huge Easter egg as her prize. Mr. Iain Edwards (IE) also told the Court how her last shop had only consisted of lardy items.

Case for the defence:
In her defense, AD said that the Court was misguided. All her lard items had been flapjacks, healthy before outings. Also, when she was last in Sainsburies, there had been a two for two pounds offer on lardy items that she was taking advantage of. Apparently, her huge Easter Egg had been dropped and smashed the previous night, though she did admit to now eating it off the floor.

Additional Notes: The court ignored comments about AD getting her fat from the Boat House and her protein from IE.

Verdict:
GUILTY

Sentence:
AD was sentenced to eat a plate of salad with no salad dressing nor butter on the bread. The only drink she was allowed from now on was vodka with slim-line tonic.

Laziness and repeated losing to CCAT the Accused: Mr. Phil Horler (PH)

Case 13   Prosecution by: JE

Case for the prosecution:
JE said that out of the five races he had subbed into for the Second VIII, PH had taken extended breaks in three of them by coming off his seat. JE also told the Court how PH lost to CCAT in Clare Novices and again recently, having just been bumped by them.

Case for the defence:
No defence.

Verdict:
GUILTY

Sentence:
PH was sentenced to run to the Boat House to get lard for people present who had bumped CCAT. This was CA, JS and AD, but she was only allowed water. His target time was eight minutes, with a penalty of one finger per minute over this. He managed it in 11 mins 36 secs, so was fined four fingers.

At this point, AA arrived with two people from Maggie. They had a particularly ferocious Stomp which involved AA ending up pinned to the floor and the Maypole staff not being best pleased.

Excessive pointlessness the Accused: Mr. Matt Byrne (MB)

Case 14   Prosecution by: IE

Case for the prosecution:
IE said that MB frequently lists things at committee meetings.

Case for the defence:
In his defence, MB said Iain was making it up.

Verdict:
A majority voted that MB had intermittently and frequently been saying pointless things.

Sentence:
MB was sentenced to learn the 10 Golden Rules of Safety from the CUCBC Handbook and recite them at the next meeting.

Undue care with Boat Club equipment the Accused: Mr. Bryn Garrod (BG)

Case 15   Prosecution by: PH

Case for the prosecution:
BG has over the term broken an erg, a blade and TR5.

Case for the defence:
In his defence of the broken erg, BG blamed Mr. Tom Rose (TR), his coach, for teaching him to pull too hard. For the broken blade, he blames Miss Dilini Nanayakkara (DN), his cox, and he said his damage of TR5 was in the interest of the boat; in having to have it fixed it was at least making that part of it waterproof.

Verdict:
GUILTY

Sentence:
BG was sentenced to take the Captain's 'scraggly' tie and return it in a better condition, even after wearing it to Formal Hall that night.

Failure to hold her drink the Accused: Miss Dilini Nanayakkara(DN)

Case 16   Prosecution by: BG

Case for the prosecution:
The Court heard how DN got too drunk at Formal Hall one night and proceeded to empty the contents of her stomach into an ashtray in the bar. What is more, her crew did not subsequently go faster after this weight loss.

Case for the defence:
In her defence, DN said she had consumed more than a bottle of wine and was pleased that it had been a big ashtray.

Verdict:
GUILTY

Sentence:
DN was sentenced to hold a full glass on her head during two cases at the next meeting of The Justice, to show the Court that she can in fact hold her drink.

At this point the meeting drew to a close, with 15 people having been tried for their crimes and subsequently admitted to The Justice.

DoNM: To be decided.

Sarah A Taylor, Clerk of the Court